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30 years of depression turns into something beautiful: a life worth living

Be who you want, Inspiring, Rites of PassageChloë Rain2 Comments

Photograph circa 2013, after my auto-immune disease diagnoses. Photographer: Talitha Bullock

{Celebrating the anniversary of my public declaration on depression}

In 2013, after recovering from an autoimmune disease and a period in my life and health I call "all systems fail". I wanted to document for the first time feeling OK in my body. 

I made a public declaration. I was done with depression. I had crossed the invisible line and depression no longer described my state of being.

I used to feel like my depression was a personal descriptor, as if it should read on my driver's license I am: 5'2", brown hair, hazel eyes, and have depression.  

That's what the doctors tell you, too. You have depression. As if I had picked up some incurable disease along the way, some how I had contracted depression and it had been a part of me for so long, I didn't know who I was without it.

When I realized that depression was no longer my constant state of being, it was like waking up to a whole new person within me. A brand new existence. I could honestly claim that I had become a happy person. That I liked myself, enjoyed my life, and was ok with my body.

This was a groundbreaking epiphany. 

And my life was no longer distinguished by the fact that I was depressed. My life was far from perfect, I just knew I was finally on the right path. I wanted to document that I felt ok, with myself, perhaps more than okay and if I was ever going to feel ok in my body, the time was now. I quit smoking. I healed from multiple poor health diagnoses, I had watched my hair fall out from exhaustion and stress, and I was bloated and my organs were inflamed due to the autoimmune attack. I thought.... Damn IT ALL TO HELL. I want to document how comfortable I have become in my own skin.

Having battled with 30 years of depression, and having always wondered "What was wrong with me?!" Once having proclaimed that I was done with depression, I wanted to right everything else I had told myself all those years, like.... "I have to make myself into someone else in order to be wanted. "

“I’m too much.”

“I will never be happy.”

“Life is pain.”

“I’m not pretty enough for someone to love me.”

“I’m not enough.”

These days...I feel deep emotions; sadness and bliss. I experience defeats, devastating heartbreaks, and exquisite joys, physical pleasures, and wild beauty.

I feel all of these emotional extremes. And I am ok. I am enough. I am capable of being happy. I feel purposeful. My life is worth living. 

My hope is that in sharing my story you are inspired to listen to your inner guidance and take a stand for your own happiness, freedom, and joy.

I didn't do it all by myself, it was a journey and a process. I have learned a lot along the way, it took time and courage, and it was absolutely worth it.

The original blog post: TODAY I AM DONE WITH DEPRESSION

Today is a really big day, and I'm about to make a scary announcement.  I wanted to post a really awesome picture, make a grand statement, tell a fantastic story, say something profound and get a 100 likes.... but today's awareness and my declaration are a big enough statement in themselves.  

Today I am done with depression.

I have lived with depression, for as long as I can remember. The first time I attempted suicide I was in third grade. When I got my first high paying job out of college, and bought a bunch of grey suits on my credit card, I also started paying for therapy, as if it were a monthly utility. 

After 10 years of therapy and a couple of different anti-depression cocktails later, I was ok. But I just couldn't shrug the feeling that my life had no meaning.

I was unhappy and unsatisfied despite all of my outward successes and accomplishments. How could this be? I had done everything right! I had followed all the rules, and I had done what I was supposed to.

I yearned, I longed for, and I desperately needed and desired REAL happiness. But I didn't even know what that was. I wasn’t even sure if I believed it existed.

My brains and gumption had gotten me this far, but there was one voice I had never listened to.... the voice of my intuitive guidance.

To move in to real happiness I began listening to the voice inside, leading me in to the scariest territory of my life: my Heart. 

My Heart told me to go to the Arctic Circle, and so I went. My Heart told me to move to Seattle, (my fears said No), but I went. Then My Heart started speaking up big time, and I have listened. 

I have explored deeply the inner and seemingly endless caves of fear, disappointment, and hurt, and found that always the darkness could be lifted by self expression. Whether that means to express my fears, my sadness, or express myself creatively... the darkness is lifted not by suppression but EXPRESSION.

Today I am done with depression.

I used to feel depression was just something that described who I am.

30 Years of Depression turns into something beautiful: A life worth living and the freedom to be myself and love myself

I'm 5'2", brown hair, hazel eyes, and have depression.

Depression no longer serves me, it doesn't belong to me, it’s not who I am.

I arrived here without drugs or medications, but I had lots of support, and I have done a shit ton of inner work, exploration, and personal inquiry.

Sometimes sitting in the dark.

I will always remember this day, in my personal life history, as the day I realized I am done with depression, and recognized that it is no longer my frame of reference that colors all things.

I am happy to be alive. 

I lead with my heart now, and that has made all the difference.

When you turn inward and fall in love with the truth of who you really are, You become whole despite the brokenness.
— Chloë Rain

Chloë Rain is the Founder of Explore Deeply™ and the Explore Deeply Movement.

She has had the pleasure of mentoring women and men all over the globe to learn to source their inner power, deepen their relationship to their own guidance, and experience greater love and fulfillment, so they can enjoy the happiness they have always wanted, and have confidence and joy in their lives.

Many of her clients find that their relationships and careers shift dramatically in new and exciting ways after doing this work, creating freedom and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. To find out more about working with Chloë go → here.

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