explore deeply

the art of living your life purpose

30 Years of Depression turns into something beautiful: A life worth living

Be who you want, Inspiring, Rites of PassageChloë RainComment

Warning: this post contains nudity and shocking self discoveries  {Celebrating the anniversary of my public declaration on depression}

Photographer: Talitha Bullock             "The light of a match once lit changes the darkness forever."

A couple of years ago after recovering from an autoimmune disease, adrenal system failure, and a period in my life and health I call "all systems fail".

I wanted to document for the first time feeling OK in my body. 

I made a public declaration. It changed my life. I was done with depression. Some time ago I had crossed the invisible line, I had fully recovered from a lifetime of depression.

Depression no longer described my state of being.

I yearned, I longed for REAL happiness. But I didn’t even know what that was.

There was only one voice I hadn’t listened to, the soft voice leading me into the scariest territory of my entire life: My Heart.

I used to feel like my depression was a personal descriptor, like on my driver's license it should read: 5'2", hazel eyes, depressed.  

And that's what the doctors tell you, too. I have depression, like I picked up some incurable disease along the way, some how I had contracted depression at birth and it had been a part of me for so long, I didn't know who I was without it.

When I realized that depression was no longer a constant companion, it was like waking up to a whole new person within me. A brand new life.  

Finally I could honestly claim that I was a happy person. That I liked myself, enjoyed my life, and was ok with my body. And my life was no longer distinguished by the fact that I was depressed. My life was far from perfect, I just knew I was finally on the right path

This was a groundbreaking epiphany. I wanted to document that I felt ok, with myself, perhaps more than okay and if I was ever going to feel ok in my body, the time is now.

I quit smoking, I had healed from multiple poor health diagnoses, I had watched my hair fall out from exhaustion and stress, and I was bloated and my organs were inflamed due to the autoimmune attack. I thought.... Damn IT ALL TO HELL. I want to document how comfortable I have become in my own skin.

30 Years of Depression turns into something beautiful: A life worth living and the freedom to be myself and love myself

Having battled with 30 years of depression, and having always wondered "What is wrong with me????!!"  

Once having proclaimed that I was done with depression, I wanted to right everything else I had told myself all those years, like.... "I have to make myself into someone else in order to be wanted. "

These days...

I feel purposeful.

Alive. 

I feel deep emotions; sadness and bliss. I experience defeats, devastating heartbreaks, and exquisite joys, physical pleasures and wild beauty.

I feel all of these emotional extremes.

Though, I am no longer depressed.  

And that has made all the difference.

My hope is that in sharing my story you are inspired to listen to your heart and take a stand for your own happiness, freedom and joy.

I didn't do it all by myself, it was a journey and a process. I learned a lot along the way, and it was absolutely worth it.

When you turn inward and fall in love with the truth of who you really are, You become whole despite the brokenness.
— Chloë Rain

The original blog post: TODAY I AM DONE WITH DEPRESSION

Today is a really big day, and I'm about to make a scary announcement.  I wanted to post a really awesome picture, make a grand statement, tell a fantastic story, say something profound and get a 100 Facebook likes.... but today's awareness and my declaration are a big enough statement in themselves.  

Today I am done with depression.

TODAY I AM DONE WITH DEPRESSION.

I have lived with depression, for as long as I can remember, the first time I attempted suicide I was in third grade. When I got my first high paying job out of college, and bought a bunch of grey suits on my credit card, I also started paying for therapy, as if it were a monthly utility. 

After 10 years of therapy and a couple of different anti-depression cocktails later, I was ok. But I just couldn't shrug the depression.  

I was still unhappy and unsatisfied despite all of my outward successes and accomplishments. How could this be? I had done everything right! I had followed all the rules, and I had done what I was supposed to.

I yearned, I longed, I desperately needed and wanted and desired REAL happiness. 

But I didn't even know what that was.

My brains and gumption had gotten me this far, but there was one voice I had never listened to.... the voice of my Heart, my longing, my desire.  Something inside me knew the only thing to do was start listening to that voice inside that told me to try the scary things.... to move into real happiness there was only one voice I hadn't listened to, the soft voice leading me in to the scariest territory of my living life: My Heart. 

My Heart told me to go to the Arctic Circle, and so I went. My Heart told me to move to Seattle, (my fears said No), but I went. Then My Heart started speaking up big time, and I have listened. 

I have explored deeply the inner endless caves of fear, disappointment, and hurt, and found that always the darkness could be lifted by self expression. Whether that means to express my fears, my sadness, or express myself creatively... the darkness is always lifted not by suppression but EXPRESSION.

Today I am done with depression, like an old worn out shirt that has become threadbare and soft, I used to wear it all the time, like a piece in my wardrobe that described me, was me, identified Me, as me. 

I used to feel depression was just something that described who I am.

I'm 5'2", brown hair, hazel eyes, and have depression.

But now its just an outdated unstylish thing that no longer belongs to me. Depression no longer serves me, it doesn't belong to me, its not welcome in my home.

I did arrive here without drugs or medications, but with lots and lots of support, and a shit ton of inner work, exploration, and inquiry!  Sometimes sitting in the dark.

I will always remember this day, in my personal life history, as the day I realized I had been done with depression, and recognized that it was no longer my frame of reference that colored all things.

Things I know today: I like myself. I feel purposeful. I enjoy my life and I am happy to be alive. 

I lead with my heart now, and that has made all the difference in the world.

My Heart said "I've got your back." 

Further reading:

Chloë Rain is the Founder of Explore Deeply™ and the Explore Deeply Movement. She is a Shamanic Practitioner & Spiritual Guide.

Chloë has had the pleasure of working with countless women and men all over the globe to deepen their relationship to self love and experience greater fulfillment and success, so they can enjoy the happiness they have always wanted, and have confidence and JOY in their lives, relationships, and finances.

Many of her clients are seasoned professionals, entrepreneurs, and creatives who find that their relationships and careers shift dramatically in new and exciting ways after doing this work, creating freedom and joy in their personal and professional lives. To find out more about working with Chloë go → here.

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