“Lot in Life” : It means one’s way of life or worldly fate.
Almost every single year since my accident on April 17th 2004, I have thought about the anniversary, and how much I have gained from that experience and normally, I feel really grateful for my life. Like in my bones, grateful.
This year, today, however, I hadn't thought about the pending arrival of the anniversary of the day that I almost died that gave me life. Of all things, facebook reminded me that today was the anniversary of my accident, and the anniversary of my gaining my new lot in life eleven years ago.
And that kind of nailed me, nailed me in my heart today. If I was going to be honest, I was probably emotional before I was reminded of my accident, but I was doing a "good job" of being stoic and silently pissed off at my boyfriend. "I'll show him how much I don't need affection by being really quietly pissed off inside and shut down".... and maybe in like a week or three he'll notice how standoffish I've been being and then I'll be able to say "See! I don't need you! I don't need affection! I've been showing you how OKAY I am without you." Yeah, that'll really show him. But after I saw that reminder, I just couldn't really hold it together, I just really couldn't hold it inside.
See, I was reminded of how I'd always been truly grateful on this day for every day for the past 11 years since I ran myself into that damned guard rail and lived. On this day, today all I could think of was how much I long to experience certain things. And how there is still SO much I LONG to experience and there is SO much I still desire to achieve and accomplish and overcome... And why haven't I DONE MORE WITH MY LIFE in the past eleven years??? I know that since I am alive there is still time and a reason and a season for everything...
I remember the joie de vivre I had felt in every cell of my body the months after my accident even while I was still in recovery and physical therapy. It was the most extraordinary thing. I've never again felt it, but I remind myself often of how truly fearless I was after that huge knock to my noggin.... you know, I was alive and if it hadn't killed me then it wasn't that bad, I had life to live. I knew in a visceral way that since I was still alive, I could do just about anything I wanted. At the time, buttoning my own jeans (I had both arms in braces) and shaving my own arm pits was a feat, so you know simple things had such significance to me in those days. I was humbled and I was happy.
I fell in love that year, with the braces still on my arms. Though I had left my bone regenerator at home that night I went out and fell in love, I still had my braces on. I've never really wondered why he didn't notice my arm braces, but he did notice the brand of jeans I wore that night (and made fun of me later). You know those were the days when jeans with the big trucker patches were in. Later, I was more embarrassed by how drunk I got that night and how I'd taken my heels off and showed my bare feet, then I was about my braces. It never really occurred to me that if I was a guy, I would have wondered if I was crippled... but my spirit was more vibrant than my insecurities back then.
These days I'm better at being grateful and present in my life, some days more than others. I've had eleven beautiful years of life experience since that day, April 17th, 2004. These last few years have been rough, but rough in a new way, because I'm living my purpose.
I will say, that I had had that full bodied realization in the past week or so, that I no longer needed to wonder or worry about "fulfilling my life purpose". I can wholeheartedly say what I'm doing with my life matters, its important, I'm making a difference, I love it, I enjoy my work, I embody my work, and my "work" and me are fully aligned and on purpose. WOW. OK. Okay. Wow.
Now there are things I'm still working on! But I don't have the issue of being unfulfilled and dissatisfied in my life, any longer.
Check. Big CHECK. DOUBLE CHECK. Wow. Ok..... Accomplished that. WOW. Nice.
I used to seriously wonder if there was a reason for living, I don't wonder that any more.
FUCK YEAH CHECK.
Today, however, I felt.... for lack of a better word..... sorrowful. Sorrowful, for how many things I have yet to experience and accomplish, achieve, and overcome. I cried a lot.
Today I noticed more of the things I hadn't yet done that I so want to do, then I managed to be proud of the things that I have already done. And I know better. I get it, I get it.... but I felt sad.
I want to get married to the love of my life.
I want to publish my book. (I want people to read it. ha ha ha smile....). I want to travel the world. I want to live in Europe and speak another language fluently... (really, If I'm being honest and stating my desires..... I want to own a flat in Paris and speak French and fumble through Norwegian, if I'm being honest.... and stating my desires).
I want to do something extraordinary.
I want to live an extraordinary life.
So on this day I was given a new lot in life, I gained a new perspective that changed everything. And today I was reminded of some things, some very important things that I haven't done yet, that I really want to do before I die.
On this day my relationship ended, and in reflection I noted that I had been going through a similar thing this same time last year. Its not like I go through relationships like desk calendars, but in being honest and stating my desires I know I desire to have a different experience next year. So how many years does someone have to experience what they claim to want in this lifetime? 11, 10, 40, zero?
I went to the top of the mountain to listen, I cried all the way up and cried all the way down... by the time I reached dinner time, all I wanted to do was write.... and as I write there are no tears, also, there are no answers. But for the first time in a long time, I have an expectation that now... now... I will want a thing and the thing will want me just as much. That there are no unmatched desires in my world, that I can want as much as I want and have that thing want me as much as I want it. Desire matched desire. Ideal matched ideal. Love matched love.
My friend texts me today, "No need for a pity party, Rain! You are one of the most intelligent humans I have ever met." Really? Cause I don't feel very smart.... but I am alive. So that must mean some...thing....
And sometimes.... being alive, is all you have to go on.
With all the being in my heart, may you experience desire matched desire.
Love matched love. Soul matched soul purpose.
Being whole despite the brokenness,
On this day I almost died when I crashed my motorcycle into a guard rail on the highway.
On this day I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance.
On this day my father and I started talking to each other again.
On this day my relationship ended.
On this day a debt was forgiven me.
On this day I baked a pumpkin pie to make someone happy.
On this day, the 11th anniversary of my near fatal accident, I was emotional and so I went to the top of the mountain to listen.
MORE ABOUT MY ACCIDENT:
Part 3: Ziggy Stardust
Part 4: I Fell Madly : In Love