When I started talking to the Universe, and the Universe started talking back to me, I found it best to listen.... that was when miracles started unfolding in my life.
There are a few poignant moments that I recall in years past, when I received what I would consider direct information from the Universe, Divine Source, ONE, my highest self, the voice of [insert] whatever term floats your boat here....
I was following all the rules, doing "everything right". Why had my life turned out so lack luster, so devoid of, well, LIFE?
I found myself in a five year dead end relationship with my corporate job and no other love interests in my life, I started to wonder what the hell had gone wrong with my life.
All my well meaning yet married girlfriends, suggested I try online dating, since I "wasn't putting myself out there". I remember saying:
I'd have a better chance praying to God to send me a husband then finding him on e.ffing.harmony and that's when it occurred to me, I would have a better chance turning to God for help, and so I did.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a religious person, nor was I raised with religion, but when I started communicating with that "infinite intelligence" outside of myself, that place of wisdom and higher KNOWing, have you, that is when life started to become more meaningful, that's when life started to become worth living.
I'm a big fan of Christmas, and every year I make a big deal to get a big ass Christmas tree. My obsession with having a spirited Christmas tree didn't come from years of happy family gatherings singing carols around the tree as a child, in fact just the opposite, and so when I became an adult living far away from family I decided to reclaim Christmas, and make the biggest declaration for happiness I could come up with, or at least that I could fit into my house, and so that's when I started with the tradition of the 10 foot Christmas tree.
When I went Christmas tree hunting my first year in Seattle I told my companion "Go Big or Go Home" and I wasn't fucking around. With his help, I brought home a 10 and a half foot tree. I had a ten foot ladder to put lights on the tree and I'd never been so proud.
On New Years day, I went to Ballard Beach (Golden Gardens) because it was sunny and beautiful and people were burning their Christmas trees on the beach, roasting marshmallows and having jolly good times, children frolicking around in swim suits and a few nuts doing the "polar bear plunge" in water I wouldn't dare get into on a sunny day in August.
I sat there alone, observing the families and groups of friends celebrating and enjoying the company of each other and I thought, that would be a good tradition to begin, burn the Christmas tree on the beach in friendship and celebration of the New Year. Though I didn't have any friends yet to call on and celebrate the coming new year, I was determined to begin this new tradition.
So my 10 and a half foot Christmas tree got taken down sometime in January, and moved to my second story balcony in preparation for the tradition I was determined to begin.
The Universe had begun speaking to me via communication systems that I'd never experienced before. I had always kept my spirituality (and my depression) private, but now I was beginning to come a little undone and the inside things were starting to pop out in ways out of my control...
I found myself at the grocery store, needing to tuck my hands in to my pockets, willing my hands to listen to the voice of reason, because some strange and intense force had taken over my extremities. I felt compelled to reach out and touch the guy bagging my groceries.
I was totally freaked out by this. Totally freaked out.
I am standing in line at the check out and the guy behind the counter is bagging my groceries and I'm thinking in inside my head, oh my god, I am compelled to reach out and touch this person, I must lay my hands on this person. I have a message for him, I don't know what it is, but I must reach out and I must tell him what that message is.
I didn't know what to do with myself.
I ran from the store and locked myself into my house in deep contemplation, teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown.
Then its February and I plan to burn my Christmas tree on the beach in celebration of life and friendship and all that, but as the weeks go by my Christmas tree is drying out on my porch and Christmas becomes a distant memory and I haven't roused anyone I know to come with me to have a bonfire at Golden Gardens Park.
I got invited to several super bowl parties, but when I woke up on Super Bowl Sunday, I felt like I was going to burst into flames.
I distinctly remember the sensation of catching on fire. Like I might combust if I didn't have an intimate physical connection with another human being. I just wanted to be touched. I wanted to feel touch and know intimacy so intensely, I felt like ripping all my clothes off and running through the streets naked, bursting into flames.
I woke up in extreme heightened sensitivity. I knew I couldn't go to a Super Bowl party, I didn't know what to do with myself. I just knew I was going to burst into flames and set people on fire if I touched them.
I had heard the day before that, people had witnessed Orca whales swimming by Golden Gardens, and so instead of going to a Super Bowl party I went and sat on the beach, wrapped in multiple blankets in the freezing cold, observing the surf, wave after wave come in and go out, hoping not to burst into flames, and wanting to see a whale swim by, so that I would know its going to be Okay.
I sat on the beach unmoving, for six hours and watched the sun go down. I never saw an Orca whale, but I did catch the most awesome sunset of my entire life.
I didn't burst into flames.
Bursting into flames... part 2... YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.
(Coming Saturday Dec 31st)