Over breakfast made by a friend, I had an enlightening experience.
Casually I thought, I'd mention that I'd been on a high but recently hit a low point. Not exactly rock bottom, but I felt like I was scraping the bottom. I wasn't going to land there, but I was touching a familiar place, grazing it with my fingernails, and had caught dirt under my unmanicured nails.
And he said "Yeah, I noticed."
Surprised by his ability to see into what I thought I'd been experiencing in isolation. I asked "Is it that obvious?"
He responds, "Yeah, but it makes you more approachable, because I can see you don't have your shit together all the time, but when you do (have it together) you'll be able to remember this and help others through it."
We were standing at the top of the stairs and he was showing me with his hands, "You're down here, but when you get back up again, You have this time to remember, you won't forget the valley, and that will make the view from the mountain top real."
I was observing the ginormous trees in my neighbor's yard, I've been so drawn to them since I moved into this place, they're larger than life.
I thought a thought: I don't want to do it like others do... I want to fuck it up royally and come out on the other side, alive, cleaned out, ginormous, a beacon of crazed inspiration. I have been disconnected from the magic of being alive.
When was the last time I believed in magic?
I have been turned by the illusion that man does everything and all that is available to experience is man made.
We've not dreamed big enough...
I no longer see my aloneness as being so, I stand out for a purpose.
It is in the dark time that one receives the greatest spiritual riches. And when there is doubt, there is always an unseen angel, loving you through it. Praying you receive sweet grace and consolation.
You will laugh at your fears and elate in your peace when all is done, it is only our lack of understanding that frightens us, when I see clearly I am not afraid.
I can chop all my hair off, but I'm still human, I'm still a woman.