We had gone away to the islands together that weekend. We had made love vigorously in our cabin and held hands walking to dinner at night. On the way home we had waited in the ferry line for hours, pleasantly, in each other’s company. We had both sat in the car, my head resting on his shoulder comfortably.
I remember feeling comfortable, but not safe. I distinctly remember being on my guard, as if on the edge of something. I didn’t know it in that moment, but something had ended and something new was about to begin. I would recall that feeling in the days following our return.
It was the Monday morning after we'd come back from our weekend together. We were sitting across the kitchen table from each other, after having just cooked our regular breakfast. Eggs, over medium, on buttered toast. There were two coffee cups, waiting for the french press to be ready.
He began by saying, “You need to make moving out a priority.”
My response was, “Ok”. Followed by a moment of staring over his shoulder blankly into the distance. There was no discussion of needing space, he didn’t lead me on, he didn’t ask anything of me. He just said I needed to move out. I flashed to all of the arguments we’d had over the nasty shag rug in the bathroom, that was his, and I wanted to get rid of.
He said “I don’t feel anything for you.”
I thought, “I will not cry in my eggs. I will not ruin my eggs.”
I thought of all the things I had compromised, realizing he had asked me to… No one had asked me to compromise, I had done that myself, I had compromised everything, without force, without demands. I had compromised, myself.
Dating Do's and Don'ts for the Person on the Spiritual Path Seeking True Love...
Don't date someone who you don't believe has the same capacity to give and receive love as you do. Don't date someone who hasn't at least contemplated the intelligence of a mutual romantic partnership and decided that he's more curious about the possibility of partnership than afraid of the repercussions.
Don't get drunk with dreamers, unless it's really good rosé and they are inspired by your story telling and they share their own experiences in such a way that you pass an entire evening till the sun comes, up banging your fists on the table in celebration of life and agreeing upon the fact that God writes the best plot twists ever- as you drink more than enough rosé to put down a large Viking.
Don't kiss someone who hasn't asked your permission to kiss you, or who you haven't invited to put their mouth on your mouth to breath in your essence. Being asked to be kissed is beautifully enticing, all at once you get the excitement of impending first kiss along with the recognized tension of knowing that the person desires to kiss you, and there's enough tension and curiosity to wonder if you want to kiss them too.... and then there's something just quite exhilarating thinking that they have just a hint of uncertainty to have to ask you if they can kiss you and enough respect for you to want to know if you give them permission.
Don't fuck someone who doesn't make you feel inside like you are the prettiest thing they've ever laid their eyes on and you're the loveliest being they've ever had the pleasure and privilege of laying their hands all over.
Don't fuck them unless they want to lick you like a lollipop and eat you like a chocolate covered strawberry ripe from summer sun light and has no shame in their enjoyment of the juiciness of your ripe fruit.
Don't date someone unless they are also seeking the greater meaning of life and welcomes miracles in their life. Like the miracle of having you in their life, to fuck, eat, love, and shag or argue over the bathroom rug.
Don't date someone who straightforwardly tells you they're not going to be the one to claim you. And furthermore, that they're always going to look out for themselves first. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
Do not move in with someone whose definition of home does not include YOU. Don't live with someone who doesn't have a definition of home and family that includes a partnership; a dualship. That means it works with two, goes both ways, and takes two to tango. Do not consider making a home and a family with someone who already has a family that doesn't have room for additions.
Don't make yourself wrong for every love mistake you make. They're all just experiences of the heart that make you more lovely, more juicy, more beautiful, more desirable, more loving, and more open to true love.
Don't give up on love!
Do fall in love with living and come more alive in your life. Even if this means eating cheese and drinking wine to abundance, and wishing you had a green juice instead, but knowing you'd end up eating the cheese anyway, so why not have both.
Do go exploring of all regions of your heart, your upper thighs, your neighborhood, the landscapes of your inner world, the hills of far off lands and the food of tasty travels, and the comfort of your own pillowness body.
Do touch yourself and your tummy and bless your breasts and your jiggles. Rub yourself with nourishing oils to fuel the fires. Drink lots of water to quench your beingness.
Do invite kisses and hugs with smiles and openness. Taunt your bigness in the presence of others in such a way that your welcoming spirit invites them to express their own bigness, be it in butt, boobs, heart, cock, tummy, attitude, talent or big DREAMS....
Do use your tongue to taste, lick, feel, pursue, explore everything that has the honor of being that close to your face.
Do hold hands when walking down the street with your lover, your man, your best friend, your child, your mom, your dad, your grandmother, your baby step brother. Holding hands is good for the soul.
Do cherish the suspension of time that happens when you lay in bed with another being and relish in their presence that you don't feel moved to fidget, leave, or push away, because, these days it's such a rare and precious thing to not be compelled to leave a sexual encounter.
Do reconsider your previous definitions of family, home, children, and lifestyle to make welcome love in your life that you might not have seen coming for you.
Do continue to seek the meaning of life. The most difficult and fearful journey is going from your head to your heart. But once you get there, you'll know who you are.
Do NOT give up on LOVE!
When someone looks you straight in the eye, over eggs and toast before the coffee is even ready, and tells you “I feel nothing for you”.
You don’t argue.
You’ve come too far to argue with someone who doesn’t want you.
I packed a suitcase, and told him once I figured out where I was going to land, I’d come back for the rest of my things.
I drove to the beach.
As I was walking the water’s edge. I felt nothing. I wasn’t unhappy, I wasn’t crying. I didn’t know where I was going next.
I wasn’t worried, somehow..... I wasn’t worried.
And then at the water’s edge, a sign so clear there was no mistaking it. At my feet lay the prettiest blue heart, a valentine sent from The Universe with a message for all of us seeking true love...
Do NOT give up on LOVE.
Sometimes we must trust that everything is for us. And sometimes, when we have grown to love ourselves so much, leaving becomes the only option.
DO LISTEN TO YOU HEART, AND FOLLOW ITS GUIDANCE. You can't outsmart your heart.