The smell of these flowers caught my attention today at brunch. There were people nestled in window seats, reading old fashioned Sunday newspapers, drinking foamy cappuccinos, April rain coming down outside.
I sat reading my book, enjoying the buzz of people around me, until the place cleared for the evening.
Sitting there I had a flash of complete comprehension, a glimpse of the complex and all-encompassing master plan, how everything makes sense, even the longing.
It was like watching myself, out of my body, my awareness of my own self was slightly above me and to the left, then tears.
Why tears? It's difficult to put into words now, because the flash was all knowing and yet my conscious self can't really grasp it completely.
In the past I would have mistaken my recent emotional eruptions for sadness. Today, I felt into my deepest desire, my soul sensing the disconnect between "what I've been working on lately" and what it is I long for, I ache for....
I saw how even this sadness and longing is in service to my heart opening.
I've been experiencing these waves and waves of emotion.... happiness, connectedness, sadness, physical desire, physical longing, spiritual desire, spiritual longing, oneness, wholeness, brokenness, fullness....and all the while the fire inside of me growing, my spirit brightening, my emotions deepening, my true desires being revealed, my true self emerging. Life unfolding before my eyes. Learning love. Remembering love.
The woman I had been, so disconnected from my emotions, so disconnected from my desires, and yet I had this utter confusing and unquenchable longing to be touched at the deepest level.
Now looking back, at who I was, a cog in the machine, following the rules, living inside the box, shoulding all over myself, disassociated from my own body, my own femininity, and hiding my deepest desire to surrender my entire self to love....
I was looking for the one who would fix me.
All along that person was me. Is me.
I was afraid of my own emotions, I was afraid of my own depths.
The spring of desire began to overflow the thimble sized container I had been holding for love and emotions in my life.
Today I experienced my emotions and desire in total expansiveness.
Emotions like waves, never stopping, rolling in,
pounding continuously, then easing the shore, rippling gently, smooth.
Desire like Ocean,
the depths fathomless, expansive,
extending beyond the horizon, to the end of the earth.
Heart yearning.....heart opening......heart longing......heart opening.....
Rose ceremony, every petal a prayer.
Sending messages of love out into the Universe.