I recall crying in such a way that the sobbing would be the only way I could feel my body …. in some twisted way, at least I could feel sorrow, at least….
At least I could feel the sadness….
For years I thought that the depression was me. Honestly, I thought depression was a descriptor of me, like she has brown hair, hazel eyes, and depression. It was just a part of who I was. For that matter, that was what the doctors told me, too. I’m sick, I have an illness of the mind. Here take these drugs, they’ll change your chemical make up, you’ll feel better. You know what’s scarier, is when you do change your chemical make up via an intense pill and you’re still freaking depressed.
I remember the first time I finally succumbed to taking an antidepressant and the chemical fog lifted almost immediately from my brain and somewhere around the three day mark I remember laughing. I heard myself laugh. My God, what a strange sound, but what was harder to grasp was how long had it been since I’d laughed? Jesus. I didn’t even recognize the sound of my own laughter.
Many many sessions in talk therapy, later, and many many experiments in self-help and personal development later. I arrived at a point where I had become so burned out on following all the rules and doing all the right things, that I didn’t know who I was, what I liked, or even if anything made me happy.
And then it got even worse.
My life situation started to feel so unbearable that it became impossible for me to image a way out.
This i defined as hopelessness and desperation.
So not only did I have a depressed nature, I was hopeless and desperate too.
Wow, what a sexy combination.
So what then you ask? Would I dare give up everything I've ever known to find myself and the one thing that has eluded me, my entire life?
I whispered the fragile secrets cradled deep within my heart, I spoke them in confidence to the ones I trusted, the ones who claimed to love me and support me, only to have my own secrets used against me. The throat clutching fearful advice, the screaming, the threats, how could I not listen to their fears?
But how could I go on living a half life? I was dead inside and even more frightening was that I wished I was dead.
I remember, stone faced and emotionless, repeating to my mother, as we stood in the driveway arguing, “This is not a life. This is not a way to live. I'm not alive. This is no way to live. This is not a life I am living.”
"What will you do”, she asked? “I don’t know.” I replied. "But I can't go on like this. I’m going to leave.”
Must I risk everything? Could I relinquish all safety and security for the unknown?
Must I leave everything I've ever identified myself with, to, and from in order to find myself?
There was security in the mundane, taking risks and leaps of faith were fine for others, but I had always been smart with a plan. The thing was, none of my plans had worked out very well. And yet, I was determined to feel something other than low grade disappointment of all that I had accomplished. I decided that if I must risk everything for the one thing that had become more precious than life, the desire to live, then that was what I would do.
I wanted to know love. I wanted to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I longed for freedom.
And as the story goes, from there I jumped from the cliff, took the leap of faith, risked everything, lost everything, fell through every safety net, dove into the deepest darkness of the abyss, and then entered into the complete unknown.
Only then, after I had lost everything, including every shred of my precious self identity, only then did the light find me.
I learned ways to self healing through alternative medicine and natural remedies for anxiety. I started using techniques like bioenergy healing, and EFT (tapping or Emotional Freedom Technique) and this is when my life really started to change, because for the first time I could see through the fog of anxiety and fear.
"Once you get over the fear, then it's a cinch." she said. And then she leaped into a mountainous and unexplored region of her heart.
Today I had a conversation with my true self. She asked me why I had abandoned her, why I had ignored all her constant advice. And then she reminded me of all the things I had forgotten. And never once did she say ‘I told you so’.
“On Tuesday, She woke up and realized she had forgotten the definition of the word ‘impossible.’ She decided it must not have been that important.” - Monique Duval
I didn't always know that I could be happy.
I didn't always know how to overcome anxiety and learn to heal from depression completely and permanently. And I didn't do it through doctors, talk therapy, or medication...
I learned how to fight depression, by risking everything that was safe and known, through following my heart, losing everything, then finding myself, and being broken open to love, and deeply knowing my own connection to the infinite source of creation within, my heart.
You see, we are hardwired for fear, doubt, and negativity, and we also possess the most powerful creation tool that exists in the Universe. Our connection to and ability to yield our our creation force energy.
All of the answers to all of the questions that we have been seeking, are within. And once we find our own unique way of tapping into this Divine Source we become powerful beyond belief.
And that's when life get fun.
There are many alternative medicine and healing techniques that can be used to help you to overcome anxiety, fight depression naturally, and get unstuck so that you can begin living from a place of flow, joy, and abundance:
- Chakra Therapy : Alignment for Life Purpose & Clarity
- Sound Healing : Vibrational Therapy
- Bioenergy Healing
- Shamanic Drum Journeys
- Energy Therapy : such as EFT or NLP
- Shamanic Practices
- Distance Healing & Healing Prayer
- Healing Touch or Healing Hands
Chloë Rain is a Master Life Coach & certified Shamanic Practitioner of Native American Healing Arts. As well as trained in multiple energy healing modalities, such as EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and bioenergy healing, NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programing), and trained in several other alternative medicine techniques for self healing and personal growth. She has received Yoga Instructor & Meditation Instructor certifications. Chloë offers one-on-one personal services, long distance healing, and shamanic workshops and classes throughout the year, please join the newsletter to receive announcements and details on classes and offerings.