Today I listen to every song that reminds me of what it feels like to get my heart broken. Today is one of those days when I skip all the happy songs on my iPod and to go to the next song that makes my chest ache and my throat tighten and then brings on the hot tears.
Over and over and over until I'm so sick with wallow that I pass out in my window seat.
Leaving today feels like the final goodbye.
Saying the goodbye I'd never said before or didn't have the stomach to.
It took everything I had, but I spoke a few emotional pieces of my mind this morning.
I loved you. I would have loved you. I could have loved you, if you had loved me.
After breaking down into tears, I flashed upon the higher perspective of all "small" things like this.
It is all for the heart opening.... my heart is breaking open.
Still enjoying my melancholy cry, however, I am processing the full closure of everything.
Including this love, he has played a significant role in my life history and now, and now that too is complete.
My dreams of my future rapidly begin to feel more vibrant, more real. As if, this closure has now made the next steps more vivid and only days ago I had no idea what was next, only a few scattered hopes and inklings that felt more like fantasy than reality.
As the landscape changes underneath my body at 36,000 feet, I close my eyes and let the tears roll down my cheeks into the elbow of my sweatshirt.
My mascara is streaming down my cheeks that are flushed with too much wine from the night before and desires unmet.
I like getting dirty this way.
Something about the dark black of my mascara on my sleeve makes me feel brutal and beautiful.
I should have hugged you more.
If I have any regrets about time not well spent, they are the moments after my hasty embrace with my friends when I was saying goodbye at the last party, and I knew I wasn't going to see them again for a long long time, or the lover I meant to say something profound to, before I exited our bed, our intimacy, never to see each other that way again, knowing it was forever.
I should have hugged you deeper, longer, stronger.
I should have been the stronger one and made you stay, awkwardly in my embrace, just to revel in the connection of our closeness.
If I could have been the strong one, I would have pulled you closer and got attached.
I would have smelled you, and embellished you with my own touch. I should have hugged you longer and more deeply.
If I could have been the strong one, I would have cultivated the waters. I would have become a calm harbor of emotion.
A safe place, one that mirrors the smoothness that happens over time as the heart weathers, a place to drop anchor and rest a while, surrounded by the deep warmth of my open shores.
I should have been the strong one.