So often, this past year, I have pondered the people who give it all up, relinquish all personal possessions, find themselves on some spiritual journey in a foreign land, dedicating their daily life and energies to the search within themselves. Who are "these people"? And how do they find themselves there? The more I ponder "these people" the more I understand this journey, the journey to self, the more I realize that I am walking a similar path. Now I understand how one finds herself contemplating this existence, because at the core of life, there is death, no one escapes this end, and if I am not to escape death, and do not know when it comes for me, then how shall I spend my life? The breath in my lungs, the blood in my veins, all this energy expended on doing and gathering and saving up for the end?
Something inside of me has broken, broken open, broken to the point of not being able to put it back together again. I have felt empty. I have felt lost.I have experienced a lot of fear, and this has caused me great pain.
Then in writing today... I simply realized that no matter what I thought and what I proclaimed last year to be, it was the year of letting go of everything I once was. Everything I had always identified myself to be, the stories I told myself about my entire adult life, the person, the things, the qualities of my personality, my relationships to others, my relationship to myself, have all died, ceased to exist, and now, have completely transformed.
And so the pain and the grieving, and the clutching, clinging, and posturing to hold on to my self image has been and continues to be painful. But who is causing this pain? I am. And why? I decide to let go.
Then the next insight that flowed to the page:
The place I find myself now, is, just the empty space between who I once was, and who I have yet to become.
There is an experience I've heard of when people experience a complete loss, due to a fire, when they lose their home and all of their belongings, many recover quickly, and many never recover. Before the fire and after the fire. The only difference between their similar experience is how they deal with the emotionality of the aftermath.
The balance of their life and existence all determined by a choice. Before the fire, and after the fire, what remains is a choice.
How will I live my life? How will I choose to experience this purification of everything I once was, in order to become the person I am born to be?
Growth is the willingness to let reality be new every moment, surrender is being alert to exactly what is happening now, we find our path not by thinking, feeling, or doing, but through surrender, surrender reveals the impulses of spirit beneath the mask of ego, any desire to grow is following the flow of love, if we block our desires we block our natural avenue of growth. - Deepak Chopra
Though I am already she, I feel as though I've just handed my most precious possession to a cloaked stranger that said:
"You must let go, in order to go on."
A personal and intimate note from me: The first day of the new year, I spent sitting in the sand at Golden Gardens Park for six hours, with a blazing fire, a book of poems, a book of spiritual readings, and my journal. This has become somewhat of a Pacific Northwest New Year's tradition for me, sitting on the beach watching the seals swim by, hoping for an Orca whale spotting, until I feel whole, secure, grounded, and at peace with the state of my life and my existence in the world. There is something about sitting in nature that heals me. If I could go and sit for a year under a tree like Siddhārtha Gautama and grow a long beard I would be happy and might find enlightenment, or in my case I'd sit by a large body of water, melt into the sand, grow back my long hair, and not wear mascara for a year and I would be happy and find enlightenment.