When he sat across the kitchen table from me, over eggs and coffee and said that that I needed to make moving out a priority, my response was: "Ok."
When he said I don’t feel the pull on my heart strings, the truth was, neither did I. I appreciated how clear it was. There was no discussion around needing space or feeling crowded, just that I needed to move out and that was that.
And so that was that. I had clarity that I was to move out and clarity that we were over. I had intended to be in Paris by the fall, writing my book, but that was before the relationship and now it was May, and I didn’t have clarity on where I was to go. I just couldn’t fathom moving into an apartment by myself again. I couldn’t see myself committing, once again, to being alone. The truth was, I enjoyed living with someone, sharing a bed every night, sharing a bathroom, sharing space. The truth was, we didn’t share the most important things.
Coffee and eggs for breakfast and afternoon snacks before dinner, elk sausage and artichoke tapenade with crackers, and making oatmeal cookies, and two tiered carrot cake with homemade icing and baking bread on cold rainy wintery Sundays in Seattle. Turns out, I like to bake. Baking was like zen meditation to me.
A pie, a cake, a batch of cookies, a pot of soup, and everything was right with the world.
I found enjoyment hand washing dishes at the kitchen sink and looking out into the back yard where the garden was to be later that spring. I wasn’t very good at hand washing dishes, perhaps because of all the pondering going on, but I wanted to please my lover and so I tried to get better at washing dishes. Ah, the strange things we do to be attractive to the opposite sex. Maybe he’d love my cookies and dish pan hands and we’d live happily ever after? I didn’t mind arguments about the shower curtain or the bathroom rug. But it wasn’t long before I realized the argument about the shower curtain and the bathroom rug, were in fact, not about the shower curtain and the bathroom rug.
They were about me, taking up space in a place that I didn’t belong.
I didn’t belong. It wasn’t my home.
Where to go from here?
I just couldn’t tap into my own sense of direction. I had no clarity on which to act on, I knew I couldn’t stay where I had been, and I didn’t know where I wanted to be.
This was a tough place for me to be in. Me, of all people. I know I can’t act until I have clarity and not having clarity drives me mad. And so mad I went.
I got mad. I got angry.
I left with a suitcase and said I’d come back for the rest, when I figured out where I was going. With my suitcase in my car, I drove straight to the beach, one of my favorite places you’ve seen many many times in my photographs. Golden Gardens Park has been a place where I have received many enlightening messages from beyond the veils. I had no intentions as I walked along the beach, except for that was where I felt home. I feel at home on the water with the Olympics snow topped mountains to the west.
I hadn’t walked far, when instead of looking skyward, as I always enjoy doing, I looked down and at the wave line of the water, a blue heart lay at my feet. I scooped it immediately, and though I wasn’t quite in a jovial mood I laughed. Laughed out loud. Such a clear sign couldn’t be dismissed.
Such a clear sign could not be dismissed.
A valentine from the Universe, a blue heart from the sea. Do not give up on love.
Ok Universe, I hear you. I do not give up on love.
I waded out to the sand bar with my pants rolled up and my blue heart in my pocket a large crab crossed my path. The water so crystal clear that I couldn’t help but be mesmerized by the image even as the crab crawled closer to me. On any other day I would have fled in the opposite direction, perhaps a fear left over from childhood but on this day, with my blue heart in my pocket I watched as I observed one large crab cradling a smaller crab, facing each other, the larger crab’s claws outstretched and encircling the other smaller crab. Curious, I didn’t know crabs had mates or took care of their young. I’d never seen anything like that before.
But I took it as a sign. Just too coincidental to come across a valentine from the sea and then two crabs showing signs of love and caring. Later I would find out that certain male crabs protect the females as they are molting. I felt it was a clear sign, though it wouldn’t be for another couple of weeks that I would reflect on the messages of this day and understand the communication from the Universe.
In regular Friday morning yoga class, Natalia plays the Rolling Stones “You can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.”
On all fours on the floor, this song gives me chills. My mom used to sing this to me as a child, I’m sure she thought it was funny and a well meaning lesson to send to a child in a well intentioned way. But what it had created in me was and absolute blood curdling hatred for that song. "You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need.” Once my college boyfriend would play it for me in a joking manner and I felt such a surge of anger I burst out "I hate that fucking song!” It triggered in me that child like rage of “I can’t have what I want! I’ll only ever get what I need, but not what I want!!"
These days I can listen to the song in good humor and Mom and I have had few laughs over it.
I haven't seen my parents in almost two years, the last time we had been in each other’s company was my Nana’s funeral that had been the catalyst for so many changes.
Twice on this particular Friday I heard the Rolling Stones sing to me “You can’t always get what you want.” Twice. And then I got a phone call from my mom.
I won’t go into the private details here on my blog, though there are so many parts of this story that I look forward to writing and sharing in detail, knowing that these stories that unfold in our lives have such intricate and subtle beauty and healing if we allow ourselves to open in the experience instead of judge ourselves or assume we know what’s next and how we’re going to get there.
One of my mentor’s said to me, while I was in a desperate fit of trying to understand who I was and what I was meant to do on this earth, “Some people just never know." That was just unacceptable to me at the time, how could some people just never know what they’re doing here on planet earth? But the more I have given up the “need to know”….
The more I have surrendered to the flow of my life in consciousness and awareness and given up the need to know who, or why, or how…. the more magic has revealed itself to me and the more I have been able to help others on their own journeys to self love.
There are people in this world that live their purpose just by going where they are called and being themselves. Perhaps this is the greatest human experience to be at home in your heart and to trust that by following it you will in fact fulfill your highest purpose without having the need to call it such.
I think back to when things started to really shake up for me and the signs of spiritual awakening began to reveal themselves in my life. I heard new voices within and with out, commanding voices that I not heard before. I was running in the rain in Seattle and wondering how people really enjoy running in the rain, it was cold and wet, and even with my waterproof gloves on I was feeling soaked to the core. The voice said to me, “Be a vessel of God’s love, be a conduit for God’s will.” I asked “how will I know I’m helping? How will know I’m doing my purpose?” The voice responded, “You do not need to know.”
“What do I do then?”
“Do what you love.”
"How will I know?”
"You do not need to know."
It would be many years before this 'conversation' would make any sense to me at all.
Now, I understand, that when that voice of Inner Authority speaks to you, and the Universe sends you a sign, the language may be too simple for our conscious minds to understand, and if you follow your guidance, what unfolds is exactly whole, simple, precise, and exactly for you. Strange, funny, and true.
So after receiving that phone call on that Friday, after hearing my favorite song :
"You can't always get what you want, But if you try sometimes, you just might find
You get what you need"
I came home to the Shenandoah Valley, 3 days later. I came back to the place of my birth to experience so many joys and find love in places I had rejected.
This year the Universe had an extra special birthday present for me: on my journey to find LOVE, life purpose, and a reason to get out of bed in the morning; healing, romance, and inspiration will find you in the darndest of places.
Follow me as I journey all the way across the country next week, from Seattle to Virginia. My inner 17 year old has been looking forward to this trip for 20 years. Smile. I've always wanted to travel across country in my car, camping, taking pictures, and writing about the journey... and for my birthday this year, the Universe delivered an extra special surprise for me. SO HERE GOES!!!
My new home in the hollow: