explore deeply

Before and After

30 years of depression turns into something beautiful: a life worth living

Be who you want, Inspiring, Rites of PassageChloë Rain1 Comment

Photograph circa 2013, after beating my auto-immune disease. Photographer: Talitha Bullock

{Celebrating the anniversary of my public declaration on depression}

In 2013, after recovering from an autoimmune disease and a period in my life and health I call "all systems fail". I wanted to document for the first time feeling OK in my body. 

I made a public declaration. I was done with depression. I had crossed the invisible line and depression no longer described my state of being.

I used to feel like my depression was a personal descriptor, as if it should read on my driver's license I am: 5'2", with brown hair, hazel eyes, and lives with depression.  

And that's what the doctors tell you, too. You have depression. As if I had picked up some incurable disease along the way, some how I had contracted depression and it had been a part of me for so long, I didn't know who I was without it.

When I realized that depression was no longer my constant companion, it was like waking up to a whole new person within me. A brand new life.  Finally I could honestly claim that I was a happy person. That I liked myself, enjoyed my life, and was ok with my body. And my life was no longer distinguished by the fact that I was depressed. My life was far from perfect, I just knew I was finally on the right path

This was a groundbreaking epiphany. I wanted to document that I felt ok, with myself, perhaps more than okay and if I was ever going to feel ok in my body, the time was now. I quit smoking. I healed from multiple poor health diagnoses, I had watched my hair fall out from exhaustion and stress, and I was bloated and my organs were inflamed due to the autoimmune attack. I thought.... Damn IT ALL TO HELL. I want to document how comfortable I have become in my own skin.

Having battled with 30 years of depression, and having always wondered "What was wrong with me?!" Once having proclaimed that I was done with depression, I wanted to right everything else I had told myself all those years, like.... "I have to make myself into someone else in order to be wanted. "

“I’m too much.”

“I’m not enough.”

“I will never be happy.”

These days...

I feel purposeful.

Alive. 

I feel deep emotions; sadness and bliss. I experience defeats, devastating heartbreaks, and exquisite joys, physical pleasures, and wild beauty.

I feel all of these emotional extremes.

My hope is that in sharing my story you are inspired to listen to your heart and take a stand for your own happiness, freedom and joy.

I didn't do it all by myself, it was a journey and a process. I learned a lot along the way, and it was absolutely worth it.


The original blog post: TODAY I AM DONE WITH DEPRESSION

Today is a really big day, and I'm about to make a scary announcement.  I wanted to post a really awesome picture, make a grand statement, tell a fantastic story, say something profound and get a 100 likes.... but today's awareness and my declaration are a big enough statement in themselves.  

Today I am done with depression.

I have lived with depression, for as long as I can remember. The first time I attempted suicide I was in third grade. When I got my first high paying job out of college, and bought a bunch of grey suits on my credit card, I also started paying for therapy, as if it were a monthly utility. 

After 10 years of therapy and a couple of different anti-depression cocktails later, I was ok. But I just couldn't shrug the depression.  

I was still unhappy and unsatisfied despite all of my outward successes and accomplishments. How could this be? I had done everything right! I had followed all the rules, and I had done what I was supposed to.

I yearned, I longed for, and I desperately needed and desired REAL happiness. 

But I didn't even know what that was.

My brains and gumption had gotten me this far, but there was one voice I had never listened to.... the voice of my Heart.

To move into real happiness there was only one voice I hadn't listened to, the soft voice leading me in to the scariest territory of my living life: My Heart. 

My Heart told me to go to the Arctic Circle, and so I went. My Heart told me to move to Seattle, (my fears said No), but I went. Then My Heart started speaking up big time, and I have listened. 

I have explored deeply the inner endless caves of fear, disappointment, and hurt, and found that always the darkness could be lifted by self expression. Whether that means to express my fears, my sadness, or express myself creatively... the darkness is lifted not by suppression but EXPRESSION.

Today I am done with depression.

I used to feel depression was just something that described who I am.

30 Years of Depression turns into something beautiful: A life worth living and the freedom to be myself and love myself

I'm 5'2", brown hair, hazel eyes, and have depression.

Depression no longer serves me, it doesn't belong to me, its not welcome in my home.

I arrived here without drugs or medications, but I had lots of support, and a shit ton of inner work, exploration, and personal inquiry.

Sometimes sitting in the dark.

I will always remember this day, in my personal life history, as the day I realized I had been done with depression, and recognized that it was no longer my frame of reference that colored all things.

Things I know today: I like myself. I feel purposeful. I enjoy my life and I am happy to be alive. 

I lead with my heart now, and that has made all the difference.

When you turn inward and fall in love with the truth of who you really are, You become whole despite the brokenness.
— Chloë Rain
Chloë Rain is the Founder of Explore Deeply and the Explore Deeply Movement. She is a Spiritual Teacher & Intuitive Guide.

Chloë has had the pleasure of working with women and men all over the globe to learn to source their inner power, deepen their relationship to self love, and experience greater fulfillment, so they can enjoy the happiness they have always wanted, and have confidence and joy in their lives, relationships, and finances.

Many of her clients find that their relationships and careers shift dramatically in new and exciting ways after doing this work, creating freedom and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. To find out more about working with Chloë go → here.

Please feel free to share content freely from Explore Deeply™. However, please be courteous and link back to the original post, and credit Explore Deeply as well as the writer where applicable. I hope you find many resources here to serve you as you walk your path of purpose. Much love!

Receive Your Inner Voice, Speak Your Truth

Be who you want, Inspiring, Travel, Healing, Learning to Love Yourself, Life LessonsChloë RainComment

Speaking out against FEAR based marketing tactics used in the Self-development industry.... and what I believe true Leadership to be, Feminine Leadership.

Find Your Purpose : I am Alive : Chloe Rain : Explore Deeply

I am ok. I am enough. I am whole. I am happy.

When I had this breakthrough a few years back, all I wanted to do was share it with the world and anyone out there battling with depression, anxiety, and overwhelm, unfulfilled, unhappy, frustrated, desperate, lonely, isolated, alone...

Anyone about to give up, about to jump off the cliff....

I had just come from the top of the mountain and I wanted people to know that there was a new day dawning, a new way of being in the world, where people like us could really live and thrive...

I had gone to the edge of the cliff and had thought that taking the leap of faith was the most difficult part, but what I have learned is that walking your own path in integrity is one of the most challenging parts of being awake and alive in this modern world.

it is also...

THE most absolute rewarding thing any one person can do.

Sometimes it's difficult to know what to do with your insights....today however, I'm speaking about something very important.

All the true Spiritual teachers I have encountered in my life did not sell me into their "program" or convince me to follow them on a spiritual journey.

I have always been called by my own inner knowing.

Every time I have taken a risk, overcome my fears, or stretched myself beyond my comfort zone, it has been because I was ready, I felt the inner pull, and the teacher had arrived.

But I took the next step of my own volition.

They did not ask me to whip out my credit card before getting off phone or give me a time limitation to answer my own calling or expect me to act in a way that was beyond my own certainty, in fact maybe just the opposite.

True growth and inner peace come from your own inner calling that is leading you to your own unique alignment with your Soul's Purpose.

Not mine... not hers.... not his....

YOU MUST LEARN TO DO  YOUR  THING.

For many years I have not felt comfortable with what I have witnessed in the coaching industry (that I have become a part of). I quit the "industry" a while back. I unsubscribed from all of the emails from all of the industry leaders.

I decided to walk my own path, be in integrity, and continue to offer authentic support founded in truth, reality, and love. I continued to write about my life experiences and share my art. I continued to learn, heal, expand.

In certain circles I call myself the ANTI-COACH. I have not wanted to contribute to the icky feeling that I have felt. I don't want to align with what I have seen of the "coaching industry".

I don’t believe in selling transformation, at least not when it comes to Spiritual Awakening.

Sell me a widget, but don't sell me Feminine Empowerment. Guide me to my own empowerment, one that is in alignment with the core of my being.

You can't be convinced to pursue your own dreams, but you can block your inner desires with fear and self-criticism... and do not be fooled by others using fear to uplevel your lifestyle!

We are all here facing our own humanity and meeting each other here on the seeking spiritual path to happiness and the centered peace that comes with our own individual 'enlightenment'.

I believe we are all called to our own great awakening within, I don’t believe I could bring you to it if you hadn’t already showed up on the ledge contemplating taking the leap into the unknown.

I don't push anyone off the edge or coax you to jump, that part you have to do on your own.

I don't use fear based marketing and shame tactics that I see other "feminine leaders" employ that use the emotional pull of envy or jealousy to make you feel bad about yourself in order to sell you something that will "make you feel better."

I’m not going to teach you how to sell yourself.
I’m going to teach you how to love yourself.

I stand for all individuals to overcome their strife and limitations by following their own unique divine guidance. But that can be almost impossible to do when you don't even know what the sound of YOUR OWN VOICE sounds like. And that is where a coach or a healer COMES IN.

Always trust your gut. If something feels icky. There’s something icky going on.  

If someone tells you their offer is urgent and going away that might be the case, but there is no urgency when you arrive at the threshold of your own great awakening, and no Shaman or Healer is going to make you hand over your credit card "or else".

It wasn't the 10 years of therapy or all the self help courses I took or books I read, it was focused one on one work with a powerful healer that helped me to source my own energy that changed my life!

My most proud achievement of the past year wasn't how much money I made, but that everything I do, in life, in business, in love and relationships is an expression of my Soul's calling and creative impulse.

It wasn't about the followers on instagram but that the people I work with experience real and lasting beneficial change in their lives, and most of all they feel a greater connection to their own Divinity.... 

My biggest personal milestone this year was seeing on of my art pieces hanging in on a gallery wall after being accepted into a juried art show. And then I gifted another art piece to a friend who had encouraged me as a photographer and writer before I could claim that for myself.

Please, do the something that you are here and meant to do, and do it because it calls you, not because someone convinced you that is what you should do, or you want to be like her, or them, or me! 

YOU, DO YOUR THING.

There is a new movement emerging in the world, are you on the bandwagon or are you walking your own path?

Join the movement. Walk your own path. 

Once, I had been disconnected from the magic of being alive. Today, I know magic and see magic in this world.

When was the last time you believed in magic?

This is an opportunity for all of us, at the global and individual level, to step up, move out of the past, and learn to create the future that we all know is possible.

I now understand the words that were whispered in my ear while running in the rain many years ago...

"Be a vessel of God's love, be a vessel of God's will. Be a conduit of love vibration, heal with your energy."

But how will I know?  "You do not need to know." replied the voice....  

I had been tuned into all the sadness of the world around me and didn't know my own voice, my inner guidance. I didn't understand what benefit at all could come from me honing my sensitivities, because I was too emotional, too sensitive, too sad, too serious....

This gift isn't meant for burdening sadness it is meant as a catalyst for change.

I no longer see my aloneness as being so, I stand out for a purpose. So do you.  Join the Explore Deeply Movement, speak your truth, receive your inner voice.

We've not dared big enough...

SAKRISØY Lofoten Norway Arctic Circle.  I traveled to   the Arctic Circle because my Spirit called me there   and because I listened, everything changed.

SAKRISØY Lofoten Norway Arctic Circle. I traveled to the Arctic Circle because my Spirit called me there and because I listened, everything changed.

Chloë Rain is the Founder of Explore Deeply and the Explore Deeply Movement. She is a Spiritual Teacher & Intuitive Guide.

Chloë has had the pleasure of working with women and men all over the globe to learn to source their inner power, deepen their relationship to self love, and experience greater fulfillment, so they can enjoy the happiness they have always wanted, and have confidence and joy in their lives, relationships, and finances.

Many of her clients find that their relationships and careers shift dramatically in new and exciting ways after doing this work, creating freedom and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. To find out more about working with Chloë go → here.

Please feel free to share content freely from Explore Deeply™. However, please be courteous and link back to the original post, and credit Explore Deeply as well as the writer where applicable. I hope you find many resources here to serve you as you walk your path of purpose. Much love!