The day after the Superbowl and the day after I spent 6 hours sitting on the beach in silence, waiting for a sign, looking for Orca whales, and hoping not to burst into flames, and saw one of the best sunsets of my life thus far, was Monday.
Its Monday, mid February, and my Christmas tree is still sitting on my 2nd story balcony patiently waiting for me to make friends and have a bonfire on Golden Gardens Beach and burn its needles in celebration of friendship and the New Year.
After witnessing the accident New Year's Eve, that's when I started talking to God and then God started talking back, and I still wasn't used to this line of communication, and still wasn't really sure if I hadn't just lost my mind and gone crazy from being so alone for so long.
I felt like I was going to burst into flames if I didn't have some intimate touch, my soul was screaming out for real physical and emotional intimacy. I couldn't stand to hear my self think any longer. For so long I had compartmentalized my spiritual self and my ongoing struggles with depression from my outward appearance and personal expression but the boundaries had started to break. From the outside I had everything going for me, on the inside I was slowly dying. What started to frighten me was that death seemed closer to me than ever, I felt an honest fear that death was coming for me and I wasn't ready to go. Not like this.
In future months, physical illness began to surface in ways that I could no longer ignore, I saw the writing on the wall. The doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, I was diagnosed with an "auto-immune" disease, which just meant that my body was attacking itself.
Why would my body attack itself?
I had all the precursors of MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and this scared the shit out of me. I was going for blood tests sometimes twice a week. Finally, I realized, the doctors didn't know what they were looking for. And that was an ah-ha moment.
My red blood cells were mutated, my body was attacking itself and I had been prescribed hormones that I would have to be on for the rest of my life. No one had any answers and I still felt and looked like absolute shit. Someone told me, you're getting old, that's just the way it is. And I refused to believe that. My whole body was swollen and I thought I looked like an inflated puffer fish.
"You're getting fat, that's what happens when you get old," people would say. WTF? I started to see, that this is what happens when you don't take care of yourself. And on a spiritual level my soul was suffering because I wasn't listening to my heart and following through on my God given purpose in this world, and on a physical level this had manifested in my body as my own systems that keep me alive had begun to assault my self in disgust.
Since I hadn't burst into flames yet, I was determined to channel this energy in a constructive way and burn my Christmas tree, with or without friends. The guy friend, whose truck and help had gotten my tree to my house in December was not available to help me take the tree to the beach.
I went to three stores in my neighborhood looking for rope to tie the tree to my Jetta's roof. ROPE, is an important survival thing to have in one's home. No one sells rope anymore. WTF.
So I called my friend. I know you can't help me with my tree tonight, but can I at least borrow your bungee cords and straps for my car? Then he said the magic words:
"Sure. But I don't know how you're going to get that tree on your car and to the beach by yourself."
He may as well as challenged me to a dual to the death.
BECAUSE NOW I WAS DETERMINED TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN BY MYSELF.
Meanwhile, the sun had gone down. I went to my second story balcony and threw my tree down to the street level and it bounced next to my car. And as it bounced and then rolled next to my car in the dark, I got a little tingling feeling like I had just gotten myself in over my head.
So I go downstairs to assess the situation. My tree had been drying out for almost two months and had become almost as wide as my car is high, and the tree trunk was longer than my roof and trunk together. Standing beside my tree, its branches completely outstretched and unbending, next to my car, put the entire situation into perspective.
I was in over my head, but I was completely committed, there was no throwing that thing back on my balcony, and there was no way I was going to back down from "I don't know how you're going to do this by yourself."