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Life Muse

I Don't Remember Who I was Before I Knew You

HealingChloë RainComment

When I reflect on my life, a series of events play out, turning points, each seemingly having nothing to do with the other, nothing to do with the time or the place or the decision I made in the moment, to go left or right, to go or to stay a moment longer in the crowd, and yet… 

There they are, inextricable moments in time where my life path crossed some other complete strangers' and in that moment of our meeting our lives would never be the same again.

These times seem to come with no warning, no seemingly repeatable system to identify when or where this important event was going to take place.

I’ve read that the way we experience linear time is a false misunderstanding of how things are actually unfolding in our Universe. When we look at time and space and reality from a scientific perspective it appears more likely that everything is happening all at once. 

Strangely, this makes more sense to me when I really think about my life and the way I experience the people, places, and events of my world.  

I call this livingly spherically. It seems to me that my life radiates outward from a single point of origin. I can peer into my past from the center of my life seeing things through the lens of my present wisdom and therefore the way I view my past has changed, and in the same way the experiences I’m having right in this moment are changing my view of the present and my future.

There are people and moments in time, decisions I’ve made (though perhaps not the ones I would have thought), and places I have lived that have changed me at depth… When I peer into the depths of my existence it seems they are at my core.

Upon review of the meaningful encounters of once strangers whose presence in my life changed me forevermore, I can see no real pattern. But I am left with a sense of wonder and awe and total and utter reverence for the random kindnesses of life.  Just when you need it most, it seems that these once unknown people become major characters in your life story. In that moment when you were about to throw in the towel, give up hope, and write everyone in the whole world off, a new character is ushered into the scene and everything changes. 

When I try to go back in time through my memories it becomes difficult, impossible even, to separate who I was just before that moment in time when that person came into my life and who I became immediately upon knowing them. There was a time that I didn’t know that person and so I must have been different then, and yet…

I can’t remember who I was before I knew that person.  

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
— Carl Jung

I can recall where I was when I met that person who changed my life but I can no longer recall who I was before I met them. It seems to me that from the moment of now, I was always to know that person, because without them I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Sometimes these people are just a memory that I carry around with me. I haven’t seen or spoken to the the person in years, decades even, and yet their presence in my life is no less real, no less vivid, no less impactful. Either they left a long time ago, or they’ve been gone from this earth for sometime, or I went away thinking I’d return before too long, only to be irrevocably changed so much so that I never could return to them.

I call up a memory of a friend or a lover and play it out like I was selecting a scene on a DVD. I remember what was said right at that moment, what I was wearing or the smell of baking bread in the air.

There are people who mean so much to me, I couldn’t unravel their existence from the fabric of my life’s time line without creating a kind of gaping black hole that sucks all the light from the surrounding Universes.  

There would be a heavy and inescapable nothingness without them that could not be lightened or filled by anyone other than them.

These people have become a part of me. I couldn’t be me without them.

These are the aftereffects of two spheres intersecting in time, our worlds instantly became different upon encountering each other.

Its these same people, at times in life when I’ve lost faith in myself and humanity, that I can call upon or I can call their image and likeness into my mind and through the sheer affection for their existence in my world, begin to feel hope, again.  

I have wondered, if there was a guarantee to life would I buy it? If the guarantee told you every step along the way before it happened and of the people who would come in and out of your life and how they would change you, would I want to know? Would I want to know if they stay or if they leave?

Would it make me happier, in the end, if life was guaranteed to work out just the way I planned it? Or does it add some worthwhile sweetness to the experience of living, not knowing how it's all going to go?

You don't know how or when you’re going to meet a person, a friend, or the love of your life, who will irreversibly change your world and how you view your past, present, and future for the rest of time, across all previous memories and boundaries of the mind. 

Perhaps this is one of life’s great mysteries that makes life worth living.

Chloë Rain is the Founder of Explore Deeply and the Explore Deeply Movement.

She has had the pleasure of mentoring women and men all over the globe to learn to source their inner power, deepen their relationship to their own guidance, and experience greater love and fulfillment, so they can enjoy the happiness they have always wanted, and have confidence and joy in their lives.

Many of her clients find that their relationships and careers shift dramatically in new and exciting ways after doing this work, creating freedom and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. To find out more about working with Chloë go → here.

Please feel free to share content freely from Explore Deeply™. However, please be courteous and link back to the original post, and credit Explore Deeply as well as the writer where applicable. I hope you find many resources here to serve you as you walk your path of purpose.

We Can Be Heroes: A Tribute to Ziggy Stardust : RIP David Bowie : To All the Freaks I Know and Love

Creative Feature, Be who you want, Life LessonsChloë RainComment

In my youth I proclaimed that I was saving my virginity for David Bowie, and in my late twenties after my near fatal accident, I named the donor bone the doctors put in my right arm, Ziggy Stardust, after my love for him.

To say that David Bowie is a hero of mine, would be a grave understatement of his influence on my life. 

David Bowie has always been my hero, an inspiration and a muse for living my life - an example of how one person in all their weirdness and greatness can change the face of music, creativity, sexuality, love, and self-expression for all time, just by being oneself.

David Bowie, a truly amazing human being. To live as fully expressed as he is a tribute to living that we can all aspire to. WE CAN BE HEROES, if even just for one day.



An excerpt of the story of how my right arm became .... Ziggy Stardust

Going into surgery, it was determined that performing 3 surgeries at once: one on my left wrist, another on my right arm, and then another on my hip bone that would be sacrificed in order to be extracted to mend my right arm bone back together. 3 Surgeries would be too much for my body to handle.  

I had been told about the possibility of using donor bone to fuse my right arm bones back together, and I had been okay with that in theory. On the day of my surgery, however, naked in the prep room, with the dressing gown opened to the front I wasn't so cool with it.  I remember thinking, "This is not like you see in the movies", my dressing gown had to be open to the front, NOT the back, in case of cardiac arrest...  I thought, I'm having surgeries on my arms, why would I go into cardiac arrest and why do I have to be naked?

The nurse explained I had to be naked in case anything were to go wrong. They don't want to have to waste time cutting through my bra and underwear if they need to resuscitate me.

I'm cold and I have a hair net on and I'm in a dressing gown with a tie at the neck and no real front coverage and my Mom is in the prep room with me when they tell me they've decided to go ahead with the procedure of inserting donor mass into my right arm.  

I remember being extremely upset about this. What will it mean for me to have someone else's DNA in my body?!? I was questioning the spiritual logistics of it all. 

Someone who has died, their living matter will now be inserted into my right arm, and their life force will help to fuse my crushed and disintegrated bones back together.

That means that the dead person's bone is still alive and my bones are alive and now that person will be alive inside of me?  

Will that person be a part of me?

My Mom says to me,

"You know Chloë, everything in the Universe is made up of the same substance.  

We're all just molecules of chemicals of the same stuff.

We're all just stardust in the end." 

This struck me in my state.

We're all just made up of stardust.  

 "Ok then, I'll call him Ziggy STARDUST."

And this somehow seemed to make sense and comforted me, because I love David Bowie. When I was younger I proclaimed I was saving my virginity for him.  Most young girls at that time were in love with New Kids on the Block, not me. I had this strange sexual obsession and fixation on David Bowie.  I was in love with him and he had always been a muse.

Throughout my life, there would be times that I would stop and fantasize about David Bowie. I would imagine him sitting legs crossed in pure eccentricity next to me, we'd review my life's ambition and he'd counsel me to be less scared and more rebellious.

His message to me would always be I could never be too weird, strange, or self-expressive, and no matter what my shame was, I wasn't to get hung up on it. "Move on, your mistakes make you, you." 

What Would David Bowie DO, became a lense I would view my life through.  Our fantasy sessions would end with him saying, "Hot tramp I love you so" and he'd sing Rebel Rebel to me.

They wheeled me into the operating room and I was splayed out, both arms extended on cutting boards and my front parts and legs on another board.

Two surgery teams would be attending to me at the same time, one for each arm. You are supposed to go under immediately before they start talking shop... but the anesthesiologist couldn't fix my veins that day, they tried both arms, and so I'm fully conscious as the doctors are talking about my surgery prep....

I remember my lead doctor asking are you ok with this? "Sorry we're talking about the details."

And I was splayed naked with both arms outstretched on the surgery prep boards listening to them talk about the how and what and I started convulsing and shaking.  

Yes, I'm fine. Just please put me under as soon as possible.

Shaking, convulsing, naked, fear, vulnerability.    

And then finally, the anesthesiologist found a vein in my foot, she or he had been poking around and finally they asked me to count backwards... and that was it.

ZIGGY STARDUST has become a part of me. And sometimes when I'm not listening to my inner guidance, or the fear has gotten too loud, Ziggy speaks up, and tells me to remember my heroes and have courage.

A Beautiful Homage to David Bowie by Helen Green Art

Posted by Explore Deeply on Monday, January 11, 2016

MORE ABOUT MY ACCIDENT:

Chloë Rain is the Founder of Explore Deeply and the Explore Deeply Movement.

She has had the pleasure of mentoring women and men all over the globe to learn to source their inner power, deepen their relationship to their own guidance, and experience greater love and fulfillment, so they can enjoy the happiness they have always wanted, and have confidence and joy in their lives.

Many of her clients find that their relationships and careers shift dramatically in new and exciting ways after doing this work, creating freedom and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. To find out more about working with Chloë go → here.

Please feel free to share content freely from Explore Deeply™. However, please be courteous and link back to the original post, and credit Explore Deeply as well as the writer where applicable. I hope you find many resources here to serve you as you walk your path of purpose.