Today at brunch a child caught my eye, wearing pink converse sneakers, she had the most captivating eyes.
I came to tears instantly and felt the gaping hole in my insides where the love of my life and my family should reside. Most of the time this gaping hole is obscured even to me, I cover it with suit jackets and pearls ... or recently with the turn of fall, my favorite red cashmere poncho.
Its a cozy and fashionable disguise for a mid-thirties woman walking around with a gaping hole in her heart and calling it a modern inconvenience.
And I'm not one to ogle over babies and children.
In fact, the majority of my experience with little ones tends to be of the excruciating kind on 6 hour cross country plane rides where I contemplate the amount of energy expended by something that small to keep up screaming and wailing for the entire duration of the flight. I'm not sure I could cry for two hours without passing out, not to mention keep it up for 3, 4, 5, and 6 hours...
I realize the cafe I'm having a late Sunday brunch at is hosting a pumpkin carving party for Halloween. I consider joining, as only a week ago I wanted to have my own pumpkin carving party but had no takers from my short list of adult acquaintances I've made since living in Seattle.
I watch the kids pour in and let myself tear up. One wearing a green and purple hulk costume picks up a pumpkin by its top and the top pops off and the bottom smashes to the floor.
He is undeterred, flashes a look at me from his green mask, and I get the sensation of wanting to eat him.
I wonder if his parents would mind much if the stranger at the table next to them, wearing her new bright red cashmere poncho purchased the day before on a heated retail therapy trip, dripping tears into her coffee cup, picked up their little hulk and proceeded to gobble him up.
I'd start with wrapping my arms around his little chest and squeezing his little stuffed muscle shirt and then proceed to kiss his little red apple cheeks until he would inevitably start to scream and cry, for wanting to get back to carving his pumpkin.
I imagine this is the heart breaking fate for most loving parents when their little one has decided they are independent and don't want to be eaten in public anymore. I imagine this gobbling desire is what sustains your sanity after a 6 hour bout of screaming on an airplane with a 100 other passengers.
I bet eating my own child would be all that much more tasty and satiating than a fantasy stolen apple and pumpkin kiss from that intriguing little green Hulk at the local cafe.
Connecting with our deeper desires, does not involve knowing the answers to all of our questions, because it's only in not knowing that we can be truly receptive and it's only in being receptive that we can truly discover, learn, and evolve.
When we shift into wonder and curiosity, there is an opening to a deeper wisdom. Our feminine power, is a shift from the masculine energy where not knowing is a source of weakness and powerlessness, to feminine energy where wonder and curiosity are the ultimate source of power and strength.
Do you have a deep longing in your heart, a craving for deep connection and intimacy?
You are not alone, by sharing our stories, by sharing our vulnerability, we are joining forces as the pioneers of the new possibility of power - feminine power.
What is the price we are paying to be modern successful women?