I had a love affair in Paris with a Superhero.
It took me 3 years to quit smoking.
When I started writing, I didn't want to end up just writing about an experience I was hoping to have.... I wanted to make sure I was living a life worth writing about.
I contemplated suicide more than once the last year of my hotel development career.
One morning in April, I woke up compelled to go to the top of Rattlesnake Ledge. I sat on the edge and dared to dangle my legs looking at the ground, imagining myself at the bottom, sprawled out, dead.
I thought I'd probably catch a few trees on the way down and my body would end up in some awkward position and that's how they'd find me.
I felt that scene was pretty horrible, and I couldn't bare to think of my family and my friends finding out about me in that way. Yeah, when I really felt into it and leaned over the edge, fully contemplating the way down and the inevitable landing a long long way down, I knew I didn't want to be dead.
I didn't want to be dead, okay. That must mean I want to be alive? I sat there and tears dripped down my face, but I didn't sob. I was numb. I wondered if anyone had noticed the girl sitting too close to the edge and if they realized I was making a go of it.
If I was going keep living, then I must figure out a way to feel alive. I wanted my life to have feeling, purpose.
I wanted to fall in love, I wanted to be made love to.
The other time was drug induced, after my blood test results came back totally off the charts, red blood cells mutated, antibodies attacking my endocrine system in the thousands, the doctor prescribed immediate hormone therapy. I was nervous taking them considering the state I was in and how sensitive I know I am to any kind of chemicals, hormones, drugs, medications, etc. I hadn't filled a prescription in over 5 years.
When I ended up in my acupuncturist's office in a total fog and depressed beyond sanity, Dennis asked me what was going on, very concerned about how depressed I had become almost instantly after taking the meds and asked me to call my doctor immediately.
Dennis Levin had become a trusted health care provider and confidant treating me for anxiety and smoking cessation. He had faith in me that I would quit smoking, even when I would leave his office and light up.
His care taking in treatment revealed layers upon layers of emotional attachment I had to smoking and disease and then one day, I just didn't want to light up anymore.
My doctor told me it was a coincidence that I had become suicidal after taking the hormones, and I fired him. Even if I believed in such things, what an outrageous thing for a doctor to say.
And I don't believe in coincidences.
There is no such thing as coincidence. I stopped taking the hormone therapy immediately and as the fog lifted, I was able to remember all the reasons I had decided to keep living, this was in July.
My health and well being is ultimately what led me down this path of self inquiry, recovery, and Yes!, gasp, real happiness, friendship, connection, and love. There is a lot to share about what I have learned about health, wholeness, wellness and the mind body spirit HEART connection.
I have known in that way you just know things, that part... or maybe the entire purpose of doing the brave thing was to start the brave conversation- talk about all of it, share all of it.
The doubts, the insights, the resources, the inspirations. You need to know that you can take control of your health and your wellness and heal your body and ultimately heal your heart.
I had suffocated quietly under the guise of "having my shit together", embarrassed by my lack of ability to be happy, my lack of guts to ask for all the love I need and want, and my impotence to admit my creative desires.
I am witness and participant to the reality that people don't say what they mean, don't show how they feel, and don't mention the dark places they find themselves in.
I had a real flesh and bone love affair in Paris.
I don't have a five year plan.
I ate chocolate covered cherries for breakfast, 20Euros worth. And then I went back and got another 20Euros worth, twice.