Today is a really big day, and I'm about to make a scary announcement. I wanted to post a really awesome picture, make a grand statement, tell a fantastic story, say something profound and get a 100 likes.... but today's awareness and my declaration are a big enough statement in themselves.
Today I am done with depression.
I have lived with depression, for as long as I can remember, the first time I attempted suicide I was in third grade. When I got my first high paying job out of college, and bought a bunch of grey suits on my credit card, I also started paying for therapy, as if it were a monthly utility.
After 10 years of therapy and a couple of different anti-depression cocktails later, I was ok. But I just couldn't shrug the depression.
I was still unhappy and unsatisfied despite all of my outward successes and accomplishments. How could this be? I had done everything right! I had followed all the rules, and I had done what I was supposed to.
I yearned, I longed for, and I desperately needed and desired REAL happiness.
But I didn't even know what that was.
My brains and gumption had gotten me this far, but there was one voice I had never listened to.... the voice of my Heart, my longing, my desire. Something inside me knew the only thing to do was start listening to that voice inside that told me to try the scary things.... to move into real happiness there was only one voice I hadn't listened to, the soft voice leading me in to the scariest territory of my living life: My Heart.
My Heart told me to go to the Arctic Circle, and so I went. My Heart told me to move to Seattle, (my fears said No), but I went. Then My Heart started speaking up big time, and I have listened.
I have explored deeply the inner endless caves of fear, disappointment, and hurt, and found that always the darkness could be lifted by self expression. Whether that means to express my fears, my sadness, or express myself creatively... the darkness is lifted not by suppression but EXPRESSION.
Today I am done with depression, like an old worn out shirt that has become threadbare and soft, I used to wear it all the time, like a piece in my wardrobe that described me, was me, identified Me, as me.
I used to feel depression was just something that described who I am.
I'm 5'2", brown hair, hazel eyes, and have depression.
But now its just an outdated unstylish thing that no longer belongs to me. Depression no longer serves me, it doesn't belong to me, its not welcome in my home.
I arrived here without drugs or medications, but with lots or support, and a ton of inner work, exploration, and inquiry.
Sometimes sitting in the dark.
I will always remember this day, in my personal life history, as the day I realized I had been done with depression, and recognized that it was no longer my frame of reference that colored all things.
Things I know today: I like myself. I feel purposeful. I enjoy my life and I am happy to be alive.
I lead with my heart now, and that has made all the difference.