You know, without going into the entire back story.... I woke up this morning happy.
I woke up late, remembered it was Saturday so that was ok, and I didn't have to start beating myself up. I'd stayed up really late, I was fuzzy. As I walked into the kitchen seeing my computer and my notebooks and notes spread out over the table, I started to recall that as I got sleepier and the night went on I moved from doing productive work and planning to just reminiscing and being sentimental. Like it was my job.
I was going through old photos scoping and planning for my upcoming product line launch and scanning through my 23,728 photo file gallery from the past 4 years. I'm working on some writing, and there are two particular stories I've been feeling compelled to write, but just haven't been able to get myself to do so.
This morning I woke up happy. In a different way than I've felt before. The feeling sensation had more freedom in it, because it wasn't attached to something. In all ways, not much had changed, I still hadn't accomplished what I meant to do the night before, I still hadn't written the stories, it was a normal day at home.
Breakfast of egg on toast with mayonnaise and garden salad. A 3 mile run. Popped into Mom & Dad's after my run, Mom had baked a shortcake, and was in the middle of making ham biscuits for Easter. I washed my hands and joined her.
I was feeling inspired. Like, true inspiration: ie of extraordinary quality, as if arising from some external creative impulse. Something about going through the photos of my adventures of the past four years during the night had made my day time reality more vibrant. I didn't set out with an intention of doing anything but looking for "good shots".... but what I woke up with was the feeling of being supported, guided, and OK. It took me a while to realize what had changed.
The night before, there were pictures of ex boyfriends, pictures of my long hair, there were fat pictures, and bad pictures, and feet pictures, and surf & skating pictures, Paris pictures & Ireland pictures, Peru & Puget Sound pictures... and what I saw... what I woke up with was JOY. I felt the rejection of past relationships, the heartbreak of disappointment, the anticipation of promise, the insatiable optimism, the foolish hopefulness, juxtaposed with the loneliness, the utter aloneness I had felt so often.... Somehow, though not at the time of the picture, I understood that I had been OK. I had been guided and supported as I traveled through time walking my path. I remembered at the time of the picture I didn't understand, but somehow along the way I had become grateful of all the disappointing events and disappointing loves and even the lonely excursions. They had all been great adventures! I remember when I used to make myself so wrong and horrible for always being alone. I had cried at how alone I always was, my skin had burned from lack of intimacy and touch, but somehow.... somehow NOW I know, that, I was never alone. In fact, I'd had many love affairs with good decent humans, just that they were suffering with their own human conditions at the time. Neither of us having any understanding or awareness of how we could stop hurting each other because we hurt so damn much ourselves. In going through the pictures, I experienced the emotion of the moments when they were taken, and I could remember the sadness of what was going on, even when I smiled or posed, at the same time I knew what had happened next and how one wave of emotion swept me into another state of being.... I couldn't really hold on to the anger any longer even when I really wanted to, really really wanted to.... the resentment, the disappointment of things that hadn't worked out.... because I had a this future sense of knowing that it was all unfolding.... before my eyes... in my life.... You know, without going into the back story, I was even glad I'd felt the heartbreak of wanting, because I'd been really living my life fully... so at least I could say I'd been giving it my all. I'd really been putting myself in the game with all of my emotion and heart.
I am living fully and loving madly. Even when loving seems mad and living seems the most confusing thing to keep doing.
Enjoying the spring time and Easter Holiday with my family looks like devouring an entire bag of gummy Easter bunnies in one evening, coloring a dozen eggs with Mom & Dad even though I'm a 37 year old adult, and playing Easter bunny memory games with my boyfriend at the dinner table. Sharing double butter sided ham biscuits and sliced strawberries and hand whipped cream on shortcake with my Aunt & Uncle. Happiness and Joy to You and your family, on this day and everyday. Inspire, be inspired.
With love, Chloë