In general, everything had gone better than I could have imagined it. In general, everything had gone better than anything else in my life had gone, you know, up until that point.
I'd like to think that everything was going so well due to all the internal work, healing, reading, praying, meditating, journaling, begging, pleading, groveling, crying, demanding, drinking, sobering up, cleansing, fasting, purging, sucking it up, screwing it up, sucking it in, letting it all hang out, letting it all go, coming full circle, picking myself up and starting over again ....
and bargaining with God, I had been doing for so many years.
*side note: bargaining with God doesn't work, not the way you'd expect, so unless you are really a glutton for punishment, I suggest not bargaining with God until you've become an expert. *footnote to the side note: good luck becoming an expert, bargaining with God.
I'd like to say I was one of those people who had fun dating as an adult. But that is a blatant lie. I was bad at dating, I didn't like to date, and I wasn't very good at it.
Correct, two of those things are the same thing... moving on.
So how could 'the thing' be going so swimmingly when for so long all I had wanted and desired was something like this in my life?
Then, guess what enters my mind immediately?
Oh God, this is going to hurt when IT'S over.
Followed by, WOW, two seconds of joy, huh? You allowed yourself a whole two seconds of joy and happiness around this splendid thing you said you've always wanted, and you finally have it and now you're already preparing yourself for the pain and suffering of its ending?
How often is this where we go immediately after experiencing something really wonderful and profound in our lives? How often do we squash our own pleasure before we've even squeezed out a regular size portion for ourselves?
What signals do we send our bodies, our minds, and our subconscious when we stop ourselves from the pleasure because we're more afraid of how bad its going to feel when its gone? So we'd rather not feel the good at all? This isn't even a fully conscious decision, mind you, I know I said for years all I ever wanted was to fall in love and be in a committed relationship with a loving man.
But LET'S be honest, after so many years of feeling disappointment and regret.
It is natural to give up.
Give up on yourself, give up on love, give up on relationships, give up on happiness, fulfillment, give up on that thing you've been trying to make happen in your life, give up on figuring out what it is you are here to do. Insert that thing you've been wanting for so long that seems impossible to ever have, achieve, receive, BE. Its natural to give up.
Give up on your dreams.
Most people will not ever bridge the gap between the life you aspire to have and the life you currently have. Most people get stuck in the gap because there is a huge gravitational pull to the familiar.
Disappointment, regret, and giving up is what keeps us living the life we’ve been living, over and over again. Giving up, is not a one time choice, its a choice we continue to make over and over again.
Even if we say that's not what we've done.
Emotionally we've learned to protect ourselves from the greater pain of the thing being lost or never coming to pass than we have learned to open ourselves to the possibility of the dream fulfilled and allow it to happen in our lives naturally.
I've been giving a lot of thought to disappointment, challenge, struggle, and regret and wondering what IS their persistence and necessity in our lives?
I don't want to sound cliché but I'm not so sure that these things are only understood looking backward on our lives, and now looking back on so many disappointments and regrets, I have said, Thank you, God for unanswered prayers and "because some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." I understand that when I'm in the midst of something 'not going my way' I could possibly be in the midst of my dreams being fulfilled. And I think from that place, Who would I be? Right here in this moment, if I already knew how this turns out, if I already knew that my dreams have been received? Could I allow myself more joy, more enjoyment? Could I laugh more, not take myself so seriously, and gasp, not spend so much time making myself wrong because I already know that some of the best things that EVER happened to me are the things that NEVER happened to me.
The experience of happiness isn't in getting what you want, it is loving what you've got, who you are, and where you are, right here, right now.
Welcome home you're finally here!
Tears, my tears have rained with sorrow
Cursed each day with every breath
Now here I stand with new tomorrows
I've been lost but found at last
Piece by piece I started over
Step by step I made my way
All you said was just keep going
Don't give up, it's not too late
Welcome home, you're finally here!
and thank you Wikipedia for this gut wrenching explanation of Disappointment and REGRET.... smile.
Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest. Similar to regret, it differs in that a person feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while a person feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself. It is a source of psychological stress. The study of disappointment—its causes, impact, and the degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it—is a focus in the field of decision analysis, as disappointment is one of two primary emotions involved in decision-making.
Regret is a negative conscious and emotional reaction to personal past acts and behaviors. Regret is often expressed by the term "sorry." Regret is often a feeling of sadness, shame, embarrassment, depression, annoyance, or guilt, after one acts in a manner and later wishes not to have done so. Regret is distinct from guilt, which is a deeply emotional form of regret — one which may be difficult to comprehend in an objective or conceptual way. In this regard, the concept of regret is subordinate to guilt in terms of its emotional intensity. By comparison, shame typically refers to the social (rather than personal) aspect of guilt or (in minor context) regret as imposed by the society or culture (enforcement of ethics, morality), which has substantial bearing in matters of (personal and social) honor.
Regret can describe not only the dislike for an action that has been committed, but also, importantly, regret of inaction. Many people find themselves wishing that they had done something in a past situation and regretting their inaction and thinking about what might have been.