explore deeply

the art of living your life purpose

What If Your Depression was leading you to your Destiny?

Be who you want, Inspiring, Landscape, Nature, Photography, Rites of Passage, TravelChloë Rain

Arctic Circle, Lofoten Islands, Norway

I had struggled with being alive and depressed for so long, it was like living the same experience year after year after year, a ground hog day of emotional hell. 

If I wasn't depressed, I wasn't happy. I was seeking something big, something satiating, but I just didn't know what it was, or where or how I was going to figure it out.

I was a fully functioning depressive, had a decent job, and kept my decent job, had friends, mostly drinking buddies, as I was also drinking most days of the week. Dinners as a single gal consisted mainly of a few favored take out places in my neighborhood.

My 20s turned into my late 20s that turned into my 30s, that turned into.... and time kept ticking and nothing had changed.  

Except the volume on my anxiety level had gone way up and the urgency to fix myself had become something like utter desperation.

There was only one thing that kept me going, kept me hoping, that one day I would fall in love and I would feel like my life had a purpose and meaning.

I had poured my heart and desperation into many journals.

I had prayed, {make that begged} God to change my life. And I wasn't even sure I believed in God. But I begged him anyway.

Then one day as I logged onto my computer in my cubicle at work the picture of the day on Bing made my heart skip a beat.

Picture of the Day on Bing. Lofoten, Islands, Norway.

When I discovered it was a picture of the Lofoten Islands in the Arctic Circle of Norway, it didn't occur to me how incredibly far away, extreme, foreign, and cold this destination was compared my cubicle at work, and the comfort of my well worn rut of a life.

I just knew I was going there.

May I add, I hadn't gone on a hike in years, didn't own any kind of clothing or gear that would even be remotely considered "outdoorsy", no less suitable for the Arctic circle. But, I contacted the only Norwegian I had ever known or met, an Ex Lover from college that I hadn't seen in 13 years and asked him:

How do I get to Lofoten from here?

What If Your Depression was leading you to your Destiny?

When I returned home to my very regular life from this dramatic "vacation", I would never be the same again. Something had been turned on inside of me. 

My search for love and the ONE had turned into an insatiable desire to find my life purpose and be happy. The search for self had been engaged, but I would only understand this in retrospect.

I had invoked a kind of self inquiry that was irreversible and would be tumultuous at times.

On the "search" for the ONE and the experience of true love, what I didn't know I was learning, being, and opening myself to, was the experience of true SELF LOVE, and in the process I was slaying all of my demons.... one by one by one....

When I returned from Norway I immersed myself in an international certification program, determined to get to the bottom of my depression and fix myself once and for all. 

I visioned, wrote methodology, and sat through hundreds of hours of courses on mental health and healing. 

I devoured research on the human psyche, I sat at the feet of Gurus, worked with a energy matchmaker, and traveled to Peru to be cleansed and blessed by a Shaman. 

I've done ceremony after ceremony, traveled the world, climbed a mountain or three, ate a bunch of cheese, drank a bunch of wine, and bought the whole bar a round of whiskey in the Arctic Circle, and came back home again, all in search of the ONE. 

And what I found was, myself. What I discovered is LOVE.

What I have learned is what it means to love oneself.

I lost it all (or so I thought), I let go of everything I ever knew or thought about myself.

I fought hard to keep up appearances, and I learned that it's easier and more freeing & even liberating to let people see you cry.

I still had aimed to play by all the rules, thinking I'd outsmart the Universe with my well thought out plans.... I'll tell you, thinking you'll outsmart the Universe with your plans is like playing Russian Roulette by yourself- don't do it man!

Don't go on this journey alone. Surround yourself with people who have walked the path before you and can hold the vision for you when things are so dark you can't see the way.

Now adventure is a huge part of my daily life and spiritual practice. You can always find yourself in nature. And you don't have to go to the Arctic Circle to get the full experience, this picture was taken an hours drive from my now home.

I would tell you to "be vulnerable" - but truthfully I didn't know what vulnerability was until I was out on a ledge, way beyond my comfort zone, got the shit kicked out of me by a good one-two from Life, and found myself questioning everything I had ever done. 

In the end, what every sucker punch had taught me, was that I hadn't been sucker punched at all, but what had happened was that the doorway to an whole new way of Life was opening, even when it felt like every single door I knocked on was being slammed shut in my face.

Is it true that love will find you when you least expect it?

No. 

That's bullshit, I have always hated that expression as a single girl.

Do you just one day show up at the destination of Self Love?

No, not exactly.

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
— Rumi

Love shows up in ways you least expect, because love is all around.

The only thing for you to do, is to create the capacity to receive LOVE.

Open your heart to see LOVE. Raise your spirit to BE LOVE.

Is it true that the journey to self love is paved with butterflies, purple ponies, romance, adventures, and happy surprises?

Yes. and No.

You're gonna lose your mind, you're gonna lose your shit, you're gonna lose your identity.

But then, then you will have everything you've ever sought. You will have gained only thing that matters.

Yourself.

Freedom. Joy. Happiness.

When you're out there on "the search" and feeling lost and down about the ways of the world, there's nothing like a good ass kicking to break you open to the miracles that happen when the-you-know-what hits the fan.

Don't cling so tightly to the pain, 'cause as cliche as it sounds, there's beauty on the other side of losing yourself- I think it's called wholeness.


There is a secret medicine given only to those who hurt so hard they can’t hope.
— Rumi
What matters is how quickly you do what your soul directs.
— Rumi

In search of true love and meaning in my life...

In search of true love and meaning in my life...

The Mountains near Cusco, Peru

The Mountains near Cusco, Peru


Even
After
All this time
The Sun never says to the Earth,

"You owe me."

Look
What happens
With a love like that,
It lights the whole sky.

Hafiz

Please feel free to share content freely from Explore Deeply™. However, please be courteous and link back to the original post, and credit Explore Deeply as well as the writer where applicable. I hope you find many resources here to serve you as you walk your path of purpose. Much love!