I had just thought to myself the night before, when I crawled into bed sobbing...
"Ok I'm not going to say anything about this to anyone, best that I spend time to figure this out myself and then once I have the insight, I will share and talk about it."
I was about to go into an intense 3 days of Shamanic trainings and sacred ceremony.
And in the morning, it was a brand new day, and I was to prepare for my ceremony that day with Maestro Jaime and be in Shamanic sacred ceremony the entire following day.
Then the day after that, we were traveling to the remote village of Amaru to visit with Maestro Jesus and his family.
But in the morning, when my friend, who was to be witness and assistant to my upcoming ceremonies, greeted me with smiles in her cheery disposition with sunshine beaming out of her eyeballs, I sat down on the steps and started to ugly cry.
Having been labeled early in my life and then rejected multiple times throughout the years as "being too sensitive", I have, in the not so distant past, prided myself on not being one to cry often or in front of other people.
I think I'm very strong and very smart.
I have worn my independence like a proud badge on the uniform of my single adult life.
I devour books and trainings on the human spirit, the psychology of happiness, and attempt to stay informed of the cutting edge of epigenetics, quantum physics, and molecular biology.
I have a consistent and meaty daily spiritual practice.
And I still break down into a blubbering mess of mascara, snot, tears, and yes, shame of my "weaknesses".
And in those moments, I don't want anyone to know.
And I tell myself in my most rational internal 'get your shit together' voice that "I am stronger than this."
"I am smarter than this."
"I'm better than this."
I know that "BEING STRONG" is not when you have the BREAKTHROUGH.
Most times, the thing that we're using to keep us "safe" is the thing that is in the way of receiving what we so deeply long for in our lives...
Call it a defense mechanism, call it a "very smart" way of thinking, call it an "unconscious mental process" to avoid conscious conflict, or an automatic response to prevent us from "feeling that unwanted feeling", or a repression of emotion in order to keep us feeling "in control".
and..... I'll share a beautiful fact of being human....
When you have the breakthrough... it's not because you're "being strong".
That "very strong" "very smart" thing-y you do.... could actually be the thing-y that's in your way of having what you want, be-ing who you want to be, and blocking you from having a different experience in your life.
I broke down into the "ugly" cry in front of my friend, and then we went together to meet with the Shaman, and she translated to him my 3 intentions of what I wanted to receive in the ceremony, and I shared some things I really didn't want to have to tell anyone.
Why would I do that? Because, I wanted to be done with my very strong, very smart way of being that had only gotten me so far, and move beyond into a more expansive way of being that does not involve any of the walls, barriers, and blocks that keep me very safe, but perhaps, not very satisfied.
Within my ceremony, it was revealed to me, that in being curious like a child, and dropping the guise that I know all of the answers before I ask the questions, I would be shown the doorway to the experience that I have been so deeply desiring in my heart.
And although I don't know how it all unfolds from here, I know that in allowing myself to be seen & vulnerable, revealing my "weaknesses", and dropping the need to be strong in all moments...
I was healed.
Maestro Jesus brought us to this very special "look out" and mountaintop where he burns the offerings for the people who come to him for healing illness to broken hearts and prayers for adundance and new jobs. He took a nap as Jessica and I meditated for our group in the Collective Feminine Wisdom Program.