When death is not an option and you have come to love yourself too much, sometimes leaving is the only option….
One day you finally realize you are just fucking unhappy…. you find yourself questioning everything you've ever known up to this point, and yet, it's still your life, you haven't died (yet), and you wonder about life…. you wonder about everything, you wonder if what you've experienced will be enough in the end….
And when you wonder, you know in your heart that its not the end, its not enough, not that you haven't done all that you have meant to…. and maybe you haven't done the thing you know you should, you haven't experienced what you came to experience, you don't even know what it is, but you know, that, THIS ISN'T IT.
And so you decide you must leave…………….
You must leave everything you've ever identified yourself with, to, and from….
From where you came everything made sense,
To where you're going nothing makes sense… anymore, any longer….
Such is life, and still you decide you must leave….
You mourn all the things you love….
You love the comfort you've created by repetition, by familiarity, by putting yourself out there, by putting yourself in the game, you're fucking proud of everything you love, everything you've accomplished, you were playing fair, you played by all the rules… but in these times, life doesn't seem fair, in this moment, when you think about all the plans you made for something different, for a different you and different life, with a different outcome… you totally meant for things to be different.
And they are, just not the way you ever intended, or could even imagine. WTF? wtf.
Something whispers "The rules have changed", when you were peeing in the bathroom, your drink was cleared at the bar, your jacket went missing from the stool, and your plans were left lying in an abandoned pile in a dust pan manned by a stranger who didn't know you, when he swept the remnants of the things you'd left behind, intending to go back to them when you had the time, or had the energy, or had the gumption to face the thing you planned to face.
This is your life, you mourn the things you loved, and you decide you must leave…..
You can no longer go back to the life you once led, you can no longer live the life you planned for, you must embrace the life that is meant for you.
But what the fuck is that? And Who made the GD plan? Who's got the GD map? Seems cruel. Seems nonsensical.
Is this what those GD Buddhas are talking about? The path to enlightenment and Zen is to let go of the path? To walk the path less traveled… oh right, that's fucking Robert Frost… and didn't he say that both paths led you to the same fucking place in the end?
Isn't that the conundrum of that famous poem?
So we're screwed. Is this the gateway to enlightenment? Being totally screwed.
Thats funny, why don't they tell you that in meditation practice? The moment when you feel completely helpless and screwed is the moment when you will know nothing, and have no answers, and be able to make no decisions, and this, my friend, is enlightenment… well gee, I think maybe no one would end up seeking enlightenment if that is the case, cause that just seems ri-fucking-diculous…..
And yet, you decide you must leave…
To seek the thing that eludes you.
You are not dead (yet) and death is no longer an option, suicide is something you gave up in youth deciding to be an adult with consequences, and you have learned to love yourself so much that you would do anything for love, and so you know how fortunate you are to be alive, because so many others have passed, and so many are dead in their lives, and so you must go in search of yourself.
And so you go.
Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it.
- Jack Canfield
When death is not an option and you have come to love yourself too much to stay. You decide, you must leave….