when death is not an option… and you would do anything for love
Olympic Peninsula, Quinault Lake Washington ©ChloëRain
One day you finally realize you are just fucking unhappy…. you find yourself questioning everything you've ever known up to this point, and yet, it's still your life, you haven't died yet, and you wonder about life…. you wonder about everything, you wonder if what you've experienced will be enough in the end….
And when you wonder, you know in your heart that its not the end, its not enough, not that you haven't done all that you have meant to…. and maybe you haven't done the thing you know you should, you haven't experienced what you came to experience, you don't even know what it is, but you know, that, THIS ISN'T IT.
And so you decide you must leave…………….
You must leave everything you've ever known. You must leave your own sense of your own identity behind.
From where you came everything made sense, to where you're going nothing makes sense…
Such is life, and still you decide you must go….
You mourn all the things you love….
You love the comfort you've created by repetition, by familiarity. You're fucking proud of everything you've accomplished, you played by all the rules… but at this moment, life doesn't seem fair, and when you think about all the plans you made for something different, for a different life, with a different outcome… you know you you totally meant for things to be different. And they are, just not the way you ever intended, or could ever imagine.
Something whispers "The rules have changed".
When you were peeing in the bathroom, your drink was cleared at the bar. Your jacket went missing from the stool, and the remnants of the things you left behind were swept away in a dust pan manned by a stranger who didn't know you. You had fully intended to go back to them when you had the time, or had the energy, or had the gumption to face the thing you planned to face. But you didn’t.
This is your life, you mourn the things you planned. You can no longer go back to the life you once led.
But what the fuck is for you and who the fuck are you anyway? And Who makes the God Damn plan? And Who's got the god damn road map?
This turn of fate seems cruel. Seems nonsensical even.
Is this what those god damn Buddhas are talking about? The path to enlightenment and Zen is to let go of the path? To walk the path less traveled… isn’t that Robert Frost… and didn't he say that both paths lead you to the same fucking place in the end? Isn't that the conundrum of that famous poem?
So we're screwed. Is this the gateway to enlightenment? Being totally screwed.
Why don't they tell you that in meditation practice? The moment when you feel completely screwed is the moment when you will know nothing, and have no answers, and be able to make no decisions, and this, my friend, is enlightenment…
You have learned to love yourself so much that you would do anything for love, and you know how fortunate you are to be alive, because so many others have passed, and so many others are dead inside, and so you must go in search of yourself.
And so you go.
When death is not an option and you have come to love yourself too much, sometimes leaving is the only option…. You know you must seek the one thing that eludes you.
Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it.
— Jack Canfield
