I had thought to myself, when I crawled into bed sobbing...
"I'm not going to say anything about this to anyone, it's best that I spend time to figure this out myself, and then once I have the insight, I will share and talk about it."
I was about to go into an intense three days of sacred ceremony and Shamanic trainings. The following morning, I was to prepare for my ceremony with Maestro Jaime and be in sacred ceremony the entire day. Then we would travel to the remote village of Amaru to visit with Maestro Jesus and his family.
But in the morning, when my friend, greeted me with her smiles and cheery disposition with sunshine beaming out of her eyeballs, I sat down on the steps and started to cry, uncontrollably.
Having been labeled early in my life, and then rejected multiple times throughout the years as "being too sensitive", I had in the not so distant past, prided myself on not being one to cry in front of other people, or at all.
I think I'm very strong and very smart.
I had worn my independence like a proud badge of honor on the uniform of my single adult life.
I had devoured books and trainings on the human spirit, the psychology of happiness, and attempted to stay informed of the cutting edge of epigenetics, quantum physics, and molecular biology.
I have had a consistent and meaty daily spiritual practice for over a decade. And I still break down into a blubbering mess of snot, tears, and shame for my "weaknesses".
And in those moments, I don't want anyone to know.
And I tell myself in my most rational internal 'get your shit together' voice that "I am stronger than this."
"I am smarter than this."
"I'm better than this."
I have learned that "BEING STRONG" is not when the BREAKTHROUGH happens.
Most times, the thing that we're using to keep us "safe" is the thing that is in the way of receiving what we are so deeply longing for in our lives... Call it a defense mechanism, call it a "very smart" way of thinking, call it an "unconscious mental process" to avoid conscious conflict, or an automatic response to prevent us from "feeling that unwanted feeling", or a repression of emotion in order to keep us feeling "in control" and.....
I'll share a beautiful fact of being human....When you have the breakthrough, it's not because you're being strong or smart, its because you are being vulnerable.
That "very strong" "very smart" thing you do.... could actually be the thing that's in your way of having what you want, or BE-ing who you want to be, and blocking you from having a different experience in your life.
When I broke down into my ugly cry in front of my friend, and then we went together to meet with Maestro Jamie, she translated to him my three intentions of what I wanted to receive in becoming ceremony.
I shared some things I really didn't want to have to tell anyone.
Why would I do that?
Because, I wanted to be done with my "very strong, very smart" way of being that had not gotten me even close to where I wanted to be. I wanted to move beyond my false strength into a more expansive way of being that did not involve any of the walls, barriers, and blocks that had kept me very safe, but not very happy.
In becoming ceremony, it was asked of me to become curious like a child.
When I drop the guise that I know all of the answers before I ask the questions, I am shown the doorway to the experience that I have been so deeply desiring in my life.
And although I don't always know how it unfolds from that moment, I know that in allowing myself to be seen and vulnerable and by revealing my "weaknesses" and dropping the need to be strong in all moments...
I am healed.
I am strong.
I am fulfilled.
Maestro Jesus brought us to this very special "look out" and mountaintop where he burns the offerings for the people who come to him for healing illness to broken hearts and prayers for abundance and new jobs. He took a nap as Jessica and I offered prayers.