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depression

30 years of depression turns into something beautiful: a life worth living

Be who you want, Inspiring, Rites of PassageChloë Rain1 Comment

Photograph circa 2013, after beating my auto-immune disease. Photographer: Talitha Bullock

{Celebrating the anniversary of my public declaration on depression}

In 2013, after recovering from an autoimmune disease and a period in my life and health I call "all systems fail". I wanted to document for the first time feeling OK in my body. 

I made a public declaration. I was done with depression. I had crossed the invisible line and depression no longer described my state of being.

I used to feel like my depression was a personal descriptor, as if it should read on my driver's license I am: 5'2", with brown hair, hazel eyes, and lives with depression.  

And that's what the doctors tell you, too. You have depression. As if I had picked up some incurable disease along the way, some how I had contracted depression and it had been a part of me for so long, I didn't know who I was without it.

When I realized that depression was no longer my constant companion, it was like waking up to a whole new person within me. A brand new life.  Finally I could honestly claim that I was a happy person. That I liked myself, enjoyed my life, and was ok with my body. And my life was no longer distinguished by the fact that I was depressed. My life was far from perfect, I just knew I was finally on the right path

This was a groundbreaking epiphany. I wanted to document that I felt ok, with myself, perhaps more than okay and if I was ever going to feel ok in my body, the time was now. I quit smoking. I healed from multiple poor health diagnoses, I had watched my hair fall out from exhaustion and stress, and I was bloated and my organs were inflamed due to the autoimmune attack. I thought.... Damn IT ALL TO HELL. I want to document how comfortable I have become in my own skin.

Having battled with 30 years of depression, and having always wondered "What was wrong with me?!" Once having proclaimed that I was done with depression, I wanted to right everything else I had told myself all those years, like.... "I have to make myself into someone else in order to be wanted. "

“I’m too much.”

“I’m not enough.”

“I will never be happy.”

These days...

I feel purposeful.

Alive. 

I feel deep emotions; sadness and bliss. I experience defeats, devastating heartbreaks, and exquisite joys, physical pleasures, and wild beauty.

I feel all of these emotional extremes.

My hope is that in sharing my story you are inspired to listen to your heart and take a stand for your own happiness, freedom and joy.

I didn't do it all by myself, it was a journey and a process. I learned a lot along the way, and it was absolutely worth it.


The original blog post: TODAY I AM DONE WITH DEPRESSION

Today is a really big day, and I'm about to make a scary announcement.  I wanted to post a really awesome picture, make a grand statement, tell a fantastic story, say something profound and get a 100 likes.... but today's awareness and my declaration are a big enough statement in themselves.  

Today I am done with depression.

I have lived with depression, for as long as I can remember. The first time I attempted suicide I was in third grade. When I got my first high paying job out of college, and bought a bunch of grey suits on my credit card, I also started paying for therapy, as if it were a monthly utility. 

After 10 years of therapy and a couple of different anti-depression cocktails later, I was ok. But I just couldn't shrug the depression.  

I was still unhappy and unsatisfied despite all of my outward successes and accomplishments. How could this be? I had done everything right! I had followed all the rules, and I had done what I was supposed to.

I yearned, I longed for, and I desperately needed and desired REAL happiness. 

But I didn't even know what that was.

My brains and gumption had gotten me this far, but there was one voice I had never listened to.... the voice of my Heart.

To move into real happiness there was only one voice I hadn't listened to, the soft voice leading me in to the scariest territory of my living life: My Heart. 

My Heart told me to go to the Arctic Circle, and so I went. My Heart told me to move to Seattle, (my fears said No), but I went. Then My Heart started speaking up big time, and I have listened. 

I have explored deeply the inner endless caves of fear, disappointment, and hurt, and found that always the darkness could be lifted by self expression. Whether that means to express my fears, my sadness, or express myself creatively... the darkness is lifted not by suppression but EXPRESSION.

Today I am done with depression.

I used to feel depression was just something that described who I am.

30 Years of Depression turns into something beautiful: A life worth living and the freedom to be myself and love myself

I'm 5'2", brown hair, hazel eyes, and have depression.

Depression no longer serves me, it doesn't belong to me, its not welcome in my home.

I arrived here without drugs or medications, but I had lots of support, and a shit ton of inner work, exploration, and personal inquiry.

Sometimes sitting in the dark.

I will always remember this day, in my personal life history, as the day I realized I had been done with depression, and recognized that it was no longer my frame of reference that colored all things.

Things I know today: I like myself. I feel purposeful. I enjoy my life and I am happy to be alive. 

I lead with my heart now, and that has made all the difference.

When you turn inward and fall in love with the truth of who you really are, You become whole despite the brokenness.
— Chloë Rain
Chloë Rain is the Founder of Explore Deeply and the Explore Deeply Movement.

She has had the pleasure of mentoring women and men all over the globe to learn to source their inner power, deepen their relationship to their own guidance, and experience greater love and fulfillment, so they can enjoy the happiness they have always wanted, and have confidence and joy in their lives.

Many of her clients find that their relationships and careers shift dramatically in new and exciting ways after doing this work, creating freedom and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. To find out more about working with Chloë go → here.

Please feel free to share content freely from Explore Deeply™. However, please be courteous and link back to the original post, and credit Explore Deeply as well as the writer where applicable. I hope you find many resources here to serve you as you walk your path of purpose.

Drumming Is More Effective than Antidepressants, Study Suggests

Shamanic Drum Journey, Health Mind Happy SoulGuest Writer

As our scientific and cultural understanding of mental health continues to progress, finding solutions for people struggling with depression become increasingly important. Long gone are the days when people who were struggling with mental health issues were locked up in prison-like asylums. However, modern drugs can often have a similarly oppressive effect on sufferers, as people’s emotional responses are numbed and they become unable to experience highs as well as lows.

These drugs are often thrown around without caution, and they fail to acknowledge the circumstances behind the individual’s depressive state. They attempt to treat the symptoms rather than the root cause. A group of UK-based researchers seems to have found an unlikely cure – group drumming.

The study, which was conducted earlier this year, worked with a group of 30 adults who were already being treated for depression but had refused the use of antidepressants. The participants were split into two groups, one being assigned a 90-minute group drumming session once a week and the control group enrolling in quiz nights and other social activities. All drumming sessions were conducted on traditional African djembe drums, with the group sat together in a circle.

The ten-week study involved participants who were matched exactly regarding their ethnicity, gender, age and employment status. Over the course of the ten weekly observations, the groups were monitored psychologically and physically for signs of depression. The results were overwhelming!

After ten weeks the drumming group had significantly improved their mental health. There was a clear reduction in depression and anxiety, as well as a vast improvement in the social resilience of each individual involved. Physically, every member of the drumming group shifted from a pro-inflammatory immune profile to anti-inflammatory. The study proved both the benefits of communal drumming and the link between mental health and underlying inflammatory immune responses.

The control group saw very minimal improvements and in the follow-up tests three months later; the drumming group had maintained their improved state of mental health. One theory as to why the drumming circle works is that the activity of producing music, alongside the sense of community that the circle gave the participants, led to an increased feeling of fulfillment and gave them something to look forward to each week.

The reason for the vast improvement is open for debate. However, the results are indisputable. The ancient art of group drumming helps people with depression and boosts your health. These findings and other associated research could continue to alter the way we view and treat mental health issues.

It is a move towards a future where doctors recommend drug-free solutions that treat us all as individuals rather than treating mental health sufferers as broken cogs in the machine.  A future set to the rhythmic sound of drums.

Study link

*Article originally appeared at The Hearty Soul.


The drum, sometimes called the shaman’s horse, provides a simple and effective way to induce ecstatic trance states. When a drum is played at an even tempo of three to four beats per second for at least fifteen minutes, most novices report that they can journey successfully even on their first attempt.

Shamanic journeying may be undertaken for purposes of divination and for personal healing. Its a way of communicating with your inner guidance and spirit self and receiving information.

Your inner self is in constant communication with all aspects of your environment, seen and unseen. You need only journey within to find answers to your questions.

If you are curious about the healing art of shamanic journeying and shamanic practices, you might be interested in exploring Walking the Path of Purpose Mentorship.

Chloë Rain is the Founder of Explore Deeply and the Explore Deeply Movement.

She has had the pleasure of mentoring women and men all over the globe to learn to source their inner power, deepen their relationship to their own guidance, and experience greater love and fulfillment, so they can enjoy the happiness they have always wanted, and have confidence and joy in their lives.

Many of her clients find that their relationships and careers shift dramatically in new and exciting ways after doing this work, creating freedom and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. To find out more about working with Chloë go → here.

Please feel free to share content freely from Explore Deeply™. However, please be courteous and link back to the original post, and credit Explore Deeply as well as the writer where applicable. I hope you find many resources here to serve you as you walk your path of purpose.