explore deeply

30 years of depression turns into something beautiful: a life worth living

Be who you want, Inspiring, Rites of PassageChloë Rain1 Comment

Photograph circa 2013, after beating my auto-immune disease. Photographer: Talitha Bullock

{Celebrating the anniversary of my public declaration on depression}

In 2013, after recovering from an autoimmune disease and a period in my life and health I call "all systems fail". I wanted to document for the first time feeling OK in my body. 

I made a public declaration. I was done with depression. I had crossed the invisible line and depression no longer described my state of being.

I used to feel like my depression was a personal descriptor, as if it should read on my driver's license I am: 5'2", with brown hair, hazel eyes, and lives with depression.  

And that's what the doctors tell you, too. You have depression. As if I had picked up some incurable disease along the way, some how I had contracted depression and it had been a part of me for so long, I didn't know who I was without it.

When I realized that depression was no longer my constant companion, it was like waking up to a whole new person within me. A brand new life.  Finally I could honestly claim that I was a happy person. That I liked myself, enjoyed my life, and was ok with my body. And my life was no longer distinguished by the fact that I was depressed. My life was far from perfect, I just knew I was finally on the right path

This was a groundbreaking epiphany. I wanted to document that I felt ok, with myself, perhaps more than okay and if I was ever going to feel ok in my body, the time was now. I quit smoking. I healed from multiple poor health diagnoses, I had watched my hair fall out from exhaustion and stress, and I was bloated and my organs were inflamed due to the autoimmune attack. I thought.... Damn IT ALL TO HELL. I want to document how comfortable I have become in my own skin.

Having battled with 30 years of depression, and having always wondered "What was wrong with me?!" Once having proclaimed that I was done with depression, I wanted to right everything else I had told myself all those years, like.... "I have to make myself into someone else in order to be wanted. "

“I’m too much.”

“I’m not enough.”

“I will never be happy.”

These days...

I feel purposeful.

Alive. 

I feel deep emotions; sadness and bliss. I experience defeats, devastating heartbreaks, and exquisite joys, physical pleasures, and wild beauty.

I feel all of these emotional extremes.

My hope is that in sharing my story you are inspired to listen to your heart and take a stand for your own happiness, freedom and joy.

I didn't do it all by myself, it was a journey and a process. I learned a lot along the way, and it was absolutely worth it.


The original blog post: TODAY I AM DONE WITH DEPRESSION

Today is a really big day, and I'm about to make a scary announcement.  I wanted to post a really awesome picture, make a grand statement, tell a fantastic story, say something profound and get a 100 likes.... but today's awareness and my declaration are a big enough statement in themselves.  

Today I am done with depression.

I have lived with depression, for as long as I can remember. The first time I attempted suicide I was in third grade. When I got my first high paying job out of college, and bought a bunch of grey suits on my credit card, I also started paying for therapy, as if it were a monthly utility. 

After 10 years of therapy and a couple of different anti-depression cocktails later, I was ok. But I just couldn't shrug the depression.  

I was still unhappy and unsatisfied despite all of my outward successes and accomplishments. How could this be? I had done everything right! I had followed all the rules, and I had done what I was supposed to.

I yearned, I longed for, and I desperately needed and desired REAL happiness. 

But I didn't even know what that was.

My brains and gumption had gotten me this far, but there was one voice I had never listened to.... the voice of my Heart.

To move into real happiness there was only one voice I hadn't listened to, the soft voice leading me in to the scariest territory of my living life: My Heart. 

My Heart told me to go to the Arctic Circle, and so I went. My Heart told me to move to Seattle, (my fears said No), but I went. Then My Heart started speaking up big time, and I have listened. 

I have explored deeply the inner endless caves of fear, disappointment, and hurt, and found that always the darkness could be lifted by self expression. Whether that means to express my fears, my sadness, or express myself creatively... the darkness is lifted not by suppression but EXPRESSION.

Today I am done with depression.

I used to feel depression was just something that described who I am.

30 Years of Depression turns into something beautiful: A life worth living and the freedom to be myself and love myself

I'm 5'2", brown hair, hazel eyes, and have depression.

Depression no longer serves me, it doesn't belong to me, its not welcome in my home.

I arrived here without drugs or medications, but I had lots of support, and a shit ton of inner work, exploration, and personal inquiry.

Sometimes sitting in the dark.

I will always remember this day, in my personal life history, as the day I realized I had been done with depression, and recognized that it was no longer my frame of reference that colored all things.

Things I know today: I like myself. I feel purposeful. I enjoy my life and I am happy to be alive. 

I lead with my heart now, and that has made all the difference.

When you turn inward and fall in love with the truth of who you really are, You become whole despite the brokenness.
— Chloë Rain
Chloë Rain is the Founder of Explore Deeply and the Explore Deeply Movement.

She has had the pleasure of mentoring women and men all over the globe to learn to source their inner power, deepen their relationship to their own guidance, and experience greater love and fulfillment, so they can enjoy the happiness they have always wanted, and have confidence and joy in their lives.

Many of her clients find that their relationships and careers shift dramatically in new and exciting ways after doing this work, creating freedom and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. To find out more about working with Chloë go → here.

Please feel free to share content freely from Explore Deeply™. However, please be courteous and link back to the original post, and credit Explore Deeply as well as the writer where applicable. I hope you find many resources here to serve you as you walk your path of purpose.

Beltane Fire Festival: Celebration of Life & Love : The Significance of Ritual In Our Lives

Be who you want, Inspiring, Nature, Ceremony, Rites of Passage, Rituals, Spiritual SignificanceChloë RainComment

Beltane and its celebration and the rituals that we as humans have performed for thousands of years has been about fertility, fire and passion, and bringing forth life and in preparation for an abundant harvest. 

As I fine tune my own personal cycles and soul path, digging deeper into the wisdoms of indigenous traditions, plant medicine, and connecting to the Ancestors, the more I have felt at home in my own body and in my life. I encourage you to tap into the ancient wisdom that also courses within you.

This time of year with the fullness of spring it seems to no surprise that the tiny ping of my heart, grows so loud as to pound out all other sound.

As I observe my own annual cycle of emotion, experience, energy, and transition... there seems to be recurring themes and certain seasonal patterns through the years. I continue to allow myself to be carried by the energetic waves, the ebb and flow of life, and more is revealed.

I love how ritual and coming together in circle can reconnect you to your truth while being with others helps you to truly celebrate the mystery of life and the wonder of it all....

I love how ritual and coming together in circle can reconnect you to your truth while being with others helps you to truly celebrate the mystery of life and the wonder of it all....

The recreating of ancient rituals has become popularized especially in our modern Western Culture, but the very individual and personal experience of participating in ritual can be life changing and life affirming.

Beltane Fire Ritual & Celebration

Beltane, whose past and present significance is steeped deeply in ritual rites of sexuality and fertility, celebrates the height of spring, and the coming of summer, the earth has warmed, and May 1st(ish) astrologically is the end of darkness in the sun cycle.

Beltane: The Fire Festival is celebrated as the symbolic union of the May Queen and the King of the Forest, and the marking of the light half of the year.

The constant buzzing of hummingbirds and the multitude of species of bees around my house, coupled with the constant chirping of frogs frolicking in the pond, and the endless chanting call of the Whippoorwill at night in search of his mate remind me that some noise is required to call in LOVE.

The drum beat of my soul, the pounding of my heart, the buzzing of my cells, and the singing of my heart song is what reminds me that I am alive, and well, and fertile, and ready for the union of my hearts desire.

There's no denying this time of year is ripe with the energies of abundance, passion, lust, fertility, sexuality, and pregnancy.

The constant drum beat of the internal longing to feel whole, alive, and on fire with desire. This pulsating and throbbing has only become more profound, more distinct, like a homing beacon. Love as a state of being, love, coupled with passion for life and purpose. The unquenchable thirst for love and desire for the unknown and magic of living.

What is on the unknown horizon of life, the unexpected fulfillment of desire in ways I couldn't imagine?

I feel pregnant with anticipation, so much so that my breasts ache. I stand in astute awareness and attention in the unknown.

I remind myself of a vow I have made "I surrender my personal will to divine will. I live in the present moment and seek only truth."

I pray for more magic, more surprise, more serendipity in my life.

Yes, this is when I feel more alive, when chance has its way with me and I realize that I'm very much more pleased with the flow and natural rhythm of my life, than I would have been with single focused and structured plans.

Uncertainty is a symptom of the arrival of magic, wonder and awe, the unknown is only the breath just before the Aaaah of AMAZEMENT.

Perhaps take some time today to acknowledge your desires, and perform your own unique ritual to consummate the union of your desire and the seed of life and energy of birth. Trust that the discomfort of uncertainty is only a mild symptom of the joy of pregnancy and the expectancy of new life!

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what comes next.
— Ursula K. Le Guin

Sunrise at Bealtaine by Irish Photographer: Ken Williams At the Beltany Stone Circle in the North West of Ireland, the sunrise at Beltane is aligned with the only decorated stone in the circle. The Beltany Stone Circle gets its name from Beltane which is associated with the lighting of hilltop fires in a rekindling of the sun.

The beginning of May, signifies one of the astrologically and historically important cross quarter dates of our calendar and the seasonal progression of the earth and growing seasons: Beltane or May Day celebration.

Beltane occurs 6 months after Samhain {Halloween}, and in the Celtic way of looking at the seasons marks the end of winter, the ‘dark’ half of the year, and the beginning of summer the ‘light’ half. Like Samhain, Beltane is a liminal (between) time, when the veil between the worlds of physical and nonphysical is thin- considered a good time for divination and particularly for seeing the Fair Folk (the Fae).

Beltane is one of the 8 sacred celebrations of the year and turning of the seasons : Imbolc; Ostara/Spring Equinox; Beltane; Litha/Summer Solstice; Lammas/ Lughnasad; Mabon/Autumn Equinox; Samhain/Halloween; Yule/Winter Solstice.


Beltane Fire Ritual & Celebration:

Fire and passion, love and life, brought together as one.

I am the earth, the womb of all creation.
Within me, new life grows each year.
Water is my blood, air my breath, and fire is my spirit.
I give you honor, and shall create new life with you.

I am the rutting stag, the seed, the energy of life.
I am the mighty oak that grows in the forest.
I give you honor, and shall create new life with you.

The earth is once more growing new life within!

We shall be blessed with abundance this year!

Chloë Rain is the Founder of Explore Deeply and the Explore Deeply Movement.

She has had the pleasure of mentoring women and men all over the globe to learn to source their inner power, deepen their relationship to their own guidance, and experience greater love and fulfillment, so they can enjoy the happiness they have always wanted, and have confidence and joy in their lives.

Many of her clients find that their relationships and careers shift dramatically in new and exciting ways after doing this work, creating freedom and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. To find out more about working with Chloë go → here.

Please feel free to share content freely from Explore Deeply™. However, please be courteous and link back to the original post, and credit Explore Deeply as well as the writer where applicable. I hope you find many resources here to serve you as you walk your path of purpose.